Happy New Year !!

Too busy.... too much going on...... I'll get back to posting soon.

Have a safe and happy new year everyone.

love,
Cyn

When I feel lost and empty, I gravitate towards things that effect me right down to my core, the soul-shaking beauty of life that rattles me no matter how much I try to fight it. Things that I can barely type without fighting back tears..... but good tears.... effected tears.....the kind that don't make you feel sad, just alive and so glad to be.

music is probably the most powerful influence on me in that way.... songs and the lyrics are the best form of poetry. so here are some that don't seem to leave my head lately, and that make me feel better about a world that sometimes seems to be caving in....

The heart may freeze
or it can burn
The pain will ease
if I can learn
There is no future
There is no past
I live this moment as my last

There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret
Or life is yours to miss
No other road
No other way
No day but today

I can't control my destiny
I trust my soul
My only goal is just to be

There's only now
There's only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
No day but today...

I don't know what this post is..... I'm sad, angry, clueless, old, frustrated, busy, and fat....... all at the same time and I'm not happy about it.

I wish there existed an optional lobotomy of sorts, where you can erase things you know. My head is filled with information I don't want to have anymore. I need my own eternal sunshine of the spotless mind (if you haven't seen it, rent it, it will change the way you feel about your memory). That's my problem, I never forget anything, and I have seen, heard, stumbled upon things I don't care to ever think of again.

I'm suspicious of all things human right now. You can't trust anyone, they all have their own personal agendas, and motivations, and they have the nerve to twist their deceit into something that makes sense to them. Accountability and honesty are very rare commodities in people these days. It makes me try to go through my day without talking to anyone. I'm so glad I have my cat.... she may look at me and growl and hiss and dig her claws into my forehead when I piss her off, but at least I know exactly where I stand with her at all times. People make you guess, and I tend to guess wrong.

Tis the season to be merry..... but no one seems to remember why. We all struggle over how we can't afford christmas gifts, or you don't know what to get someone, or the traveling and the weather.... but Happy Holidays!!! It's the season of the bipolar.... one minute your throwing back the eggnog and laughing with coworkers you were bad-mouthing wednesday, and the next you're crying that all the playstation 3's are gone and that's all your boyfriend really wanted so now what do you do? I can't take the roller coaster, it makes me dizzy.

Life is fast, and unmerciful, and confusing. There are moments when I don't think I have the emotional fortitude to do life. And I wonder why and how I seem to be the only person on this planet that ever feels that way....... but maybe I'm just the only one that ever says it out loud.

For those of you that worry when my writing turns dark, please don't. If this never happened here..... then be worried. If it doesn't come out, it stays in, and I would someday explode RPG style on the poor Dunkin Donuts staff member for not giving me enough sugar. No one wants to see that. So please, stuff your worries in a sack and don't waste them on me......I'm fine. I'm stronger than most people can possibly fathom, you can't and won't break me. I can be sad, angry, clueless, old, frustrated, busy, and fat all at once and still be fine......and if you really know me, that's what makes me beautiful.... right Mom?

In the words of LL Cool J.......
Peace out G,
-Cyn

The Ghost of EVERYTHING past.......

I wish this could be exclusive to Christmas, but its not. ......

Your life follows you. And in ugly, inopportune ways. I think going forward I'm going to do things mafia style, and hire a "cleaner" to come in and literally wipe portions of my life away. As we transition from jobs, apartments, lovers, friends, whatever it may be..... there is a trail, even if it ever so slight, it exists. It could be in the simplest form of a note or a card left in a drawer for years on end..... to the extreme "I (heart) Jane" tattoo you so eagerly had scrawled on your forearm when you were so head over heels in love in your youth. These things matter. They effect each and every person that will drift in and out of your life until your last day.

Sometimes they are a sort of storybook to your life for the new person, and can be terribly misleading. Its unfortunate that we all tend to draw our own conclusions for lack of bearing witness, and in doing so the truth gets bent and skewed to a point where we may even confuse the person whose life it actually is. Recounting my life is not something I wish to do. Its unnecessary and can in no way end in a positive "whew...I'm really glad you told me all about your relationship with that guy" comment. Its the inevitable train wreck that is each of our lives, filled with carnage and one derailment after another, some minor and some significant. And they happened, and denying or trying to justify or explain them is a futile exercise in the progression of any relationship.

My dad once told me that if there wasn't going to be a positive outcome to disclosing something, don't say it. I have mixed emotions on this one..... Disclosure is key in trusting someone, and when you hold back you might as well lie.... but there is some value in knowing not only what to say, but in how you deliver information that may be difficult for someone to hear. I am the queen of saying the wrong thing. Initially, I speak from my gut.... not my heart, that would tend to be more eloquent, but deep down in my stomach where everything churns and hurts and frustrates.... and then it flies out of my mouth in a less than candy-coated manner. I am not proud of it, but its honest and I am proud of that. I have an immediate response to almost everything, and that creates the back-peddle. I hate the back-peddle. And then there are the people who when you ask them something, there is a 3 minute silence while they think of how to respond. This drives me crazy, albeit they are the smart ones. The longest silences of my life, are those spent waiting for someone I love to answer a difficult question. But, as I said, they are the smart ones. They take the time to craft a response, which then makes me wonder how honest their answer really is. If I could keep my mouth shut, and take a moment and think of what to say instead of blurting the truth, I would have saved myself a lot of miserable conversations and sleepless nights.

All in all, I can now see why people got married at 19 and just stayed that way. There are no skeletons, no deep dark secrets, no exes to deal with, nothing to trump you and your current station in your beloveds life. I'm 32..... and I'm sick of climbing out of holes left by past loves, or trying to surmount the glacier that was the relationship. And it saddens me beyond description to know I'll never be any ones first love, or their most significant love, or their first anything for that matter...... and knowing that can make any love you give seem pointless sometimes.

So today as I'm feeling sorry for myself and crying all over my meeting agenda, I need to find a way to conduct the exorcism...... get rid of the ghosts... start over with the hope that they can't haunt me forever.

All I can do is resolve to put the loss of being first behind me, and try to be someones last......

On a lighter note......
to lighten the mood on the page, and share some tropical memories with those who were there with me......

Top 10 things I learned "down Island" (the last time I was down island, which was much too long ago)

10. Most people do not share my fondness for hermit crabs and lizards

9. Contrary to popular studies, an Iguana will in fact chase you when aggravated

8. Don't grab something at the bottom of the swimming pool just because you don't know what it is

7. Try not to consume 4 hard boiled eggs and a pint of chocolate milk in 2 minutes at 7:30am prior to snorkeling

6. Convincing yourself that your job will be magically better when you return does more harm than good

5. If you fall asleep in the sun when in the company of anyone under the influence of Cruzan Rum (or just Pokey in general), be prepared to handle the consequences

4. Cruzan Rum with Dr. Pepper does NOT taste "OK"

3. Never let a friend "take your car to the store" when you are out of town

2. Don't poke a barracuda with a stick

1. A person can live on conch fritters and Caribe just fine

As always..... good times,
-Cyn

Time for Advice.....

In the spirit of the holiday season, I need those older and wiser to chime in on this one, and offer up your experience and advice.

I find myself terribly frustrated and confused lately..... and the topic is trust. Where does it come from? Can you create it from nothing? Do you start out with it and lose it, or do you have to earn it and keep it? Clearly its a choice a person makes.... to trust someone with their heart, their skeletons and deep dark secrets, their life...... all things vulnerable. I seem to have some sort of malfunction when it comes to trusting people....I can count on one hand the people I truly trust. I'm curious how it comes so easy for most people, or at least seems to.

Can you really, truly trust someone? Or do you just resolve to not care about the things you can't control, or don't know about? I am a firm believer in what you don't know can definitely hurt you. It seems the older I get, the more people find ways to candy-coat the truth, or beat around the bush, or simply omit things and then they have themselves convinced that they are not lying, but just not disclosing everything there would be to tell. Omission is a lie. Holding back is lying. And don't get me started on semantics and how you may twist a situation into something its not so that you have a favorable story to tell. Dishonesty makes my stomach ache..... all the time. Deceit gives me that almost ready to throw up feeling 24/7, and there is no way to get rid of it. I would rather have someone punch me square in the nose than lie to me. But unfortunately, or fortunately depending how you feel about that statement, its simply not in my control to have that choice.

I wish I knew what the answer was....... Because I'll tell you, that punch in the nose sure does hurt a lot less.

-Cyn

"Nelson, rookie veterinary assistant,
takes Muffin's temperature."

( no reason....... just Happy Friday!)

Sometimes "home" is two places......
no matter how far away you are,
and how long you've been gone.

Today is one of those "sometimes".....

Sometimes you wake up and the light hits you in the eyes..... and its a wonderful, warm feeling.
Sometimes you wake up and the light hits you in the eyes..... and its so bright you want to poke them out.

Sometimes too much of something is a great opportunity to save.
Sometimes too much of something is inconvenient and frustrating.

Sometimes time alone is peaceful and rejuvenating.
Sometimes time alone is painful and lonely.

Sometimes being in love is effortless and fulfilling.
Sometimes being in love is confusing and terrifying.

Sometimes the one you love loves you right back.
Sometimes the one you love doesn't come back.

Sometimes you're beautiful in the mirror.
Sometimes your mirror seems broken and non-reflective.

Sometimes the world is yours and there's nothing you can't do.
Sometimes the world turns on you and there's nothing you can do.

Sometimes you can laugh about it.
Sometimes you can cry about it.

Sometimes you feel.
Sometimes you're numb.

"Sometimes" is all the time, and its up to you.

Voyage of the swans
"Olaf Niess ships his swans across Alster River in Hamburg, Germany. Every Autumn he catches his swans, places them in boats and brings them to their winter quarters in a nearby pond which stays ice-free during the winter."

Hey Mom.....
do you know Olaf? Just thought you might be friends,
or separated at birth....

THE DAY AFTER........

So.... everyone survived. They ate the food I prepared, without complaining or making odd faces. No one seemed to get sick (that I know of), and no one had to use a plastic fork or a paper plate for dinner, so that was nice. I would not have made it through the day without Uncle Frank, so thank you Mr. Frank for your advice, and making me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry in the yams. And thank you to Mom and Uncle Frank & Muncie for all the years you have made me Thanksgiving dinner... I had NO idea! thank you again.

Looking at it with a new day this morning, I don't know what I was so nervous about. Maybe just because I'd never done any of that before, and it wasn't my family. If it had been, they would have known I've never done that before and if it did all turn out really badly, we could just laugh.... versus leaving someone else's family without a thanksgiving dinner to eat. I realize I put a lot of the pressure on myself, the panic sort of set in and my mind went into every nightmare scenario it could have. I'm just not the domestic type, never have been, so I had no idea how this was going to go.

My only regret is that I don't have enough turkey left over (which meant it was good...) to go home tonight, lay on the couch and watch a movie with a big turkey sandwich..... that would have been nice. And I no longer have the "I've never done thanksgiving dinner before" excuse, so I have a feeling this will be the beginning of years in the kitchen instead of curled up by Muncie & Frank's fireplace in the softie. I somehow feel older today, like I have crossed over.... some right of passage .... and anyone rolling their eyes right now and thinking I am being too dramatic clearly has NEVER single-handedly made a thanksgiving dinner.

Happy turkey sandwiches,
-Cyn

I'm Thankful.......

for John, and for finding him at the right time in my life

for gravy from a jar

for my Dad, and the things he's taught me

for ready-made mashed potatoes

for my doctor

for the Fuzzy One

for my big TV

for John ( did I say that already?)

for dishwashers

for my car

for my job

for being included in someone else's family

for our apartment

for Muncie & Frank

for Dunkin Donuts

for Chicago

for John's laugh, and sense of humor

for Sundays with nothing to do

for my sister, and how we laugh at things only the two of us get

for waking up every night at midnight

for Diet Coke

for my Mom being one of my best friends

for writing

for learning how to make a turkey

for having 9 forks

for a heated garage parking spot

for Pentwater, and the friends I made there

for John's conversation

for 24 hour grocery stores

for having two extra parents that love me

for a washer & dryer

for books & movies

for holding hands

for cards and notes

for knowing how fortunate I am, and being grateful for every little thing

and for knowing something that 299,999,998 people don't know

Just to name a few.......

HAPPY THANKSGIVING !

I miss my famliy. Thanksgiving isn't about turkey, or gravy, or what you put in the stuffing, or what kind of pies you have.... its about who is sitting in that same room with you. So Mom, Pokey, Bek, Brynnie, Muncie & Mr. Frank, I miss you all today. I hope you have a great thanksgiving, and somebody eat a few sticky buns for me!!

299,999,998 people have no idea....

......I'm so glad I do.

Nothing to say . . . . . .

I am at an impasse... I feel as though I no longer know how to write, or what to write. It frustrates me beyond belief, and I feel like a lesser version of myself, and that I can never be who I want to be. I try to think of what may be the problem... and what's stopping or blocking me, but nothing. I can't even write about that, which is usually how I pull myself out.

I get in my own way so often in my life. In relationships, at work, creatively, whatever it may be, I find that 95% of the time I am my own obstacle. I wish I knew how to get around myself. Maybe its lack of interest.... when there is no one looking forward to reading what you write, why write? Maybe its boredom with my own style, or insecurity in it, feeling as though nothing I have to say is worth a damn.... or maybe its just knowing that no one will get it, so why put it out there?

whatever it is.... I wish there was a vaccine for it.

Some Friendships don't need a caption.......

Congratulations to the Democrats hanging on Illinois......

I woke up with a sigh of relief that I don't have to move again.

My thanks to everyone that voted..... It always startles me how someone can neglect their right to vote and yet launch political complaints like its a part time job. I have always said that if the simple right to vote isn't enough to motivate you, then think of it as a right to complain... you'd be surprised how many people will get off the couch so they can rant freely.

It saddens me how few young Americans (well, maybe I can't refer to my peers as "young" anymore, but my generation and younger nonetheless) truly grasp the significance behind a democracy, and that it takes everyone's involvement to really work the way its intended. Therefore if you neglect your small part you're compromising the entire idea. You are awarded a privilege most people on this planet will never enjoy, so use it when you can. And if you do make the conscious choice not to utilize it, then do so quietly as you have given up your place to respond if you have taken no action.

So..... it was a good day for the big "D" in Illinois, and Michigan - Go Granholm, you defeated the Michigan Machine... that's a victory all in itself.

Have a great day.
-Cyn

I've heard men complain about accelerated ear hair growth in their late 20's, early 30's..... so I saw this picture and wondered exactly how old this squirrel must be.....
really old for a squirrel I'm sure.

My Happy Place......

Mom & Pokey...... Round House is calling our names.
Maybe next year?

The grass is always greener......

I had an interesting conversation with a friend the other night….. talking about the differences in small town life vs. big city living. I often think about where I come from and I miss it… I miss the familiarity, the comfort in always knowing someone, the consistencies in daily life and your surroundings…. They somehow can stamp out loneliness, having nothing to do with anyone else. Almost as if the town itself is a companion of sorts, a good old friend that you can count on. The city isn’t like that. You can have dinner at your favorite restaurant, and go back 5 days later and it’s gone and has become a Baby Gap or a Starbucks. You can walk the same streets and frequent the same stores and never see the same face twice. The buildings change, the businesses change, the landscape changes…. Its moving faster than anyone or anything in it, and it won’t stop of slow down for any reason. If you can’t keep up, or at least survive it, it will eat you alive.

My friend mentioned how great it must be to meet new people every day, and have your pick of anyone to date….. all the while he’s talking and I’m thinking to myself… “I have never felt so lonely in my entire life as I have living in this city of 3 million people”. I have never had a harder time making friends, dating, building professional relationships….. people in a city are just different…..or maybe it’s me that’s just different. I have wondered about it for almost 7 years now, I can’t figure out what it is. Although I love this city, I certainly was not born to live in it without digging deep down to find the emotional fortitude to weather loneliness. I’ve had to completely re-evaluate companionship, and exactly how much personal interaction I need to feel healthy and sane and part of this planet. I don’t succeed in that too often, and the alien in me takes over and I feel a million miles from anyone that knows or loves me. And when that happens….. I venture out into the concrete and steel and take in the character of this city that makes my heart pound in my chest. So I guess in writing this…. I realize that Chicago has saved me from time to time. It has become my friend, and kept me from running to familiar places, and made me whole on the days I feel so empty it’s difficult to breathe. And the best part of that relationship is the city can’t leave me….I get to be in that relationship until I am good and ready to move on…...

with that thought.... I leave you to your Thursday.....
thanks for visiting.

-Cyn

The Inevitable Bubble Bursting......

In all things you do in life in an effort to better yourself, your situation, or a relationship, or job.... there exists a symbolic "bubble" of sorts. This being the one action, or idea, or intent that you nurture in order to improve and progress. It's that one specific thing that you so brilliantly came up with that will get you through it above everyone else that has ever attempted the like.

One can get very excited about their bubble ideal and hang on it to it a bit too tightly. As in all things in life... it will burst. It will blow up and break. Maybe in a huge disasterous explosion, violent and alarming..... or a small quiet deflation... silent and sad. But it will happen, and almost always at the hands of someone you know. The most frustrating part is why you are generally the only one who is enthusiastic about it... from start to finish, you think you have a handle on it.... I've finally found the secret! And boom..... and no one seems to care. Not even the guy holding the needle.

I get pretty excited about things.... I'm a fairly emotionally intense person. I get all jazzed up about work and doing my job well and truly believe in what I do (most of the time) and that philosophy carries into most aspects of my life. If I feel a passion for something.... I'll go in 100% hard and fast.... close your eyes and jump and worry about impact and recovery later. There is never a "right time" to do something.... you'll spend a lifetime waiting for everything. So.... I tend to be a little overzealous about life and the things that make me tick so to speak. And the bubbles that go with each one will break.... and break again... and again.... throughout my life.

I thinkI am getting better about dealing with it. I try very hard to ignore the eruption and focus on the next step. I find sometimes that I am even grateful for it, sometimes that's a higher power telling you that that is not the right path for your life. I don't see it as giving up.... but when you pour your heart and soul into something, and it repeatedly blows up in your face.... maybe its time to investigate your options. Life is far too short to spend your time and energies on things or people that don't nurture and appreciate who you are and what you set out to do.

So.... I find I am learning to cope with changes much better. And when my bubble bursts now, and the disappointment sets in..... I just try to bend my focus to find that part of me that knows I did the best I could. Not everyone will see the potential in me, I can't force it, whether it be as a friend, employee, partner, relative.... whatever category I may fit into someone's life.... I can't let the disappointment in, I have to realize that I see and feel things so much deeper than most people, and take to heart so much more of life's everyday interactions. So, as I write this I realize it brings me back around to my idea that we are all in control of ourselves, completely. The sadness and disappointments I feel are all me..... not them. I will learn to choose the "happy place" from now on. Let the bubbles burst and simply learn to giggle at the carnage, because it will always be there.......

As Forrest Gump would say, "That's all I have to say about that......"
-Cyn

When the leaves change and all the scenery to your life is altered …. The sky grays…. as does the lake….and it empties, and looks cold and unforgiving. The city shifts….. the lake front and the bike paths grow more and more vacant every day, and the traffic increases as people retreat to their cars …. Baseball ends, and football begins….as the traffic jams switch sides of town….. you find your jackets, and are forced to wear sox….. your skin dries and pales…. The furnace kicks on… and the noise of it forces the tv louder for a while. Sometimes when the seasons change, I find myself severely affected by the shift, and that it just shows me how quickly life moves, with or without you… it just keeps going and you better learn to keep up. It’s hard to believe I’ll be 33 soon….. and still spinning without much forward progression….. to some that may be failure… I just think it’s my life, and won’t make apologies for it. But it can make you wonder…. where will I be in one, five, or ten years……. Still here? Just like this?

Do you ever have days where you feel like you are existing outside your own body? Watching someone that looks and acts just like you…… going about their day, and you're following them, just observing quietly. Sounds crazy I’m sure….but for some reason I’ve had a lot of those lately. Some days it feels like a movie….. that I’m not sure how I got to, or when its over or where to go after it ends. And almost that I don’t belong there, like this can’t possibly be my life now. It’s like I’m hovering 4 inches above ground, so that when I try to walk or steer myself in a direction…. nothing happens. I spin my wheels but they make no sounds and there’s no friction whatsoever. Kind of like when Gracie tries to run on the hardwood floors…… she is so determined, and she tries with all her strength but her feet just slide under her and she gets absolutely no where. It makes me laugh, but now I am getting an idea how she feels……

So the question being…… what is this feeling? Do I think about it, analyze it, should I even bother with it…. was it even worth mentioning? I don’t know. It’s not an unhappy feeling, although after reading the first paragraph I can see someone may get that impression….. its not. Some of the moments are almost too good to be true, so I sit outside myself and think “this can’t be happening to me…. This is too wonderful to be my life” and that’s when it feels like a movie…. As if I’m watching some amazing story that could never happen in real life. I have to let it in…. and I’m not sure how. This is my life….. but will it last? If I let it in…. really allow it to take over…. will it disappear, and how much will it hurt when it does? Or will letting it all in just make it that much better, and more permanent, and life long….and I really will go out someday thinking I actually had everything I had ever wanted? Just doesn’t seem real. Like I’m missing something or forgetting something….

When you take a leap of faith… even if its only within yourself… you’re completely vulnerable, whether anyone else knows about it or not. It’s terrifying. On a day like to today, I want nothing more than to go my church…..not in the conventional sense… those of you that know me well, and are closest to me, I have taken you there… and it is a place so beautiful that in just seeing it, you can’t dispute that there is something greater than you, and all of us….. and I want to go there and just sit in the silence and fight back the tears that come every time I visit there….. the most amazing feeling, because I’m not sad… I can’t tell you why I start to cry… but I just do, and that’s faith, that’s a connectedness to yourself, and to your soul, that I need to experience to remember I’m human, and flawed, and wonderful, and loved, and afraid, and strong, and alive if nothing else. I don’t get answers…. I don’t necessarily pray, or ask for anything… I just sit there, and that inexplicable presence that creates a lump in my throat and makes my eyes well up with tears… that’s my answer to who I am…..and why I’m here.

So….. later today, when my work is done I will get in my car and make the very long drive up the shore and sit quietly in that place so that tomorrow I will wake up having rejoined myself in this life I all of a sudden have, and this happiness that I’m sometimes not sure what to do with..... and certainly not convinced I deserve. I will sit there quietly until I am reminded who I am, and what I am capable of, so that I stop observing and return to living the life I have been so blessed with recently.

I'll let you know how it goes....
Love,
Cyn

Careers I will probably never have.......

• Roofer - spent all weekend roofing.... don't want to do that again anytime soon. My knees hurt, and I can only go left, not right with my neck since I must have pinched something, my shoulders are sore and my right hand feels like its constantly asleep... or wishes it was.....
  
  
• Chef - made (tried to) a turkey last night..... and I don't think I will ever be the same.... handling the raw turkey was like handling a dead body. it didn't go or stay where you want it to... it smells somewhat funky.... the neck and the baggy full of squishy junk was enough to make me throw up in my mouth a little, I couldn't stop gagging.... then to rinse it out, and the water smelled bad.... and I cut the plastic thing that holds the legs thinking "why do they put this funny handle here, it's just going to melt into the turkey".... but learned that "no", that's not the case and its supposed to hold the legs on? So I had to tie the legs back up and together.... and whatever you do.... DO NOT look directly into the cavity of an uncooked turkey, or a cooked one for that matter! The dark meat seems raw and the white meat is dry and chewy.... forget the skin, it took John's circular saw to cut through it it was so tough..... (who knew you had to baste a self-basting bird?) Then when I got to the point of cleaning the meat off.... just as bad as the raw part, only this time I was burning my fingers off the entire time. The popping and snapping of the joints and bones made me start gagging again.... and I had just as much turkey on the stove, my shirt, and my glasses than in the pan. (Ever try to get turkey grease off your eye glasses? That's a whole other post for later.....) So I'm pulling meat away, and as I'm flipping the turkey carcass around back and forth I lose all sense of direction as it's breaking into sections and I start to wonder what parts I'm pulling from, which freaks me out a little and I'm thinking.... "was this the turkey butt? .... I don't want to eat meat near the turkey butt....." so I just stop all together and chuck what now resembles a pleasant smelling, hot pile of road kill down the garbage shoot in the hallway all the while having visions of a turkey carcass haunting me in the night by crawling back up the little garbage shoot slide..... (not sure why... just felt kind of guilty having gone through the process for the first time, when it looks like a chicken without the head, which is why I always eat my meat in a round or square patty on a bun... takes the reality out of it) . After all that, I am in no mood to eat any of this turkey.... so I have some stuffing and go to sleep.
  
  
• Dry cleaner - last night, while waiting for my turkey to dry out in the oven, I thought I would iron the 12 work shirts I have that I have never wear due to perma-wrinkles that only the dry cleaner seems to get out.... so I thought I would try. I actually made the shirt look worse than when I started. Before it just looked like I had slept in it, and when it was all over it looked like I had slept in it, and then stapled random sections together and then ironed exactly one-third of the shirt, not including the cuffs. I laughed out loud..... for a long time... even Grace looked at it from her end of the ironing board like "what the hell did you just do to that?".... so needless to say..... today I am wearing a sweater.

That's it for now..... just a few things I experienced this weekend that made me glad I have the job I have, and respect those who do all of the above.

Good times,
Cyn

Snow forecast for Thursday...... still no internet at home..... the harbor will be cleared out in 4 days.... hopefully I will have internet at home by then.... Don't give up, check back soon.

Happy Tuesday.
-Cyn

Pack Rat...... or Memorabilia Enthusiast ??

I am unpacked..... completely... for the first time in my adult life. I was like a machine...... 10 hours..... non-stop just on a mission to sort through, clear out and throw away every ounce of cardboard box in my apartment. And I succeeded.

Some of the things I found .... I had letters from high school. Not kidding, not cards, or significant documents, but letters that were passed to me in who knows what class talking about "so-and-so's hair and how badly she pegged her pants and what was for lunch that day or are we going to Gordy's for hostess in the Ranger instead of gym class" kind of notes.... and you know what? They were awesome! I loved reading them. It took me back 15 years to a place I loved. Most people can't really say they loved high school, but I was a lucky one. It was great, my friends were close and life-long (although I didn't know it at the time), my family was full and supportive, my home was wonderful and comfortable, my town was quaint and fun.... when I look back at my childhood, I can't think of a single complaint. I'm sure I had them in the midst of it all, but I was a very fortunate girl, and I hope I knew that somewhat at the time.

But.... it goes beyond notes... I found things I have no idea what they were, what purpose they had, where they originated.... Things I've carted around for over 14 years.. and I have no idea why. Just to name a few, some familiar, some totally foreign... And I am not ashamed to say... most of this stuff I kept!

• 5 Bubbalicious wrappers stapled together
• a rock
• my softball jersey from senior year
• my basketball uniform from 8th grade
• tap shoes
• a phone book from Mason & Oceana County from 1995 (it has Batman and Bruce Wayne listed)
• my prom tiara (yes, I wore it for a while and did laundry, oh... what a moment.... )
• every single prom, homecoming, formal whatever dance photo ever taken at Pentwater High
• several Pez dispensers
• a box of Hardy Boys playing cards
• a giant, poofy, velvety, hair scrunchy ( I threw it out due to the embarrassment at viewing it all alone)
• my class ring (which actually has the name "Beast" on it)
• every certificate for anything I ever did
• track medals for events I have no recollection competing, but apparently excelled, in
• a Paula Abdul cassette tape
• rainbow shoelaces
• Every concert ticket stub I ever had (including but not limited to: Milli Vanilli, White Snake, Adam Ant, Culture Club, Cyndi Lauper, Eddie Money, Def Leppard, and multiple Bon Jovi's to name a few
• A really dark almost purple lipstick, circa 1989
• lots and lots of fake gold jewelry
• all my report cards (A nursery school progress report stating I have good "motor skills" and "shares well"
• friendship bracelets made of yarn that were so dirty I think they could have started the Bird Flu here in the states
• a diary that often refers to a few people I have absolutely no recollection of
• McDonalds gift certificates that expired in April 1991

Just to list a few things I found.....

Sadly, I did make the choice to purge most of the notes..... after hours of reading, remembering, laughing really hard, and a few "who was this person?!" moments... I filled a large garbage bag, and said "thank you for my life" to whoever may be listening and sent most of them down the garbage shoot, with a big smile on my face.

As I shed a brief and almost surprising tear at the act of junking my documented adolescents, I began to realize I have NEVER been this unpacked.... since the days of those notes being passed. Never in my life have I been free of a packed box in a closet somewhere. And I was stunned. And I tried to figure out the motivation.... and as I sat and cleaned and folded laundry and thought.... I realized its the "home" syndrome. I feel like I'm home again for the first time in over a decade. Where that comes from, I have not fully investigated yet. But I'm sure it has to do with a comfort of sorts, and a sense of stability and happiness in where you are and who you're with. And I found that, and I knew it before I actually realized I knew it. I wouldn't have spent 10 hours unpacking everything if I had any sense of reservation about my life, my apartment, my partner, and where its all going.... I really surprised myself. Funny how when you let your logic go, sometimes your body and mind will take on a task that really means something, really has a purpose beyond its practicality or necessity, and when you take a moment to stop and realize what you just did, you can also see how you feel in your actions.

It was a fascinating day, and I am so grateful for my life, and to be who I am, and to be surrounded by the people I am, and most of all..... to realize it. So I start this Tuesday with a pile of empty boxes, a sore neck and back, and a full heart.

Thank you to everyone who is a part of that. And thank you to my new "roommate" for having the patience to help me open my eyes to the possibilities....... when I have kept them so tightly closed for so many years.

Love to all of you,
Cyn

Where it all began.......

Where it is now........

Where it's all going....

I think only Grace knows for sure.

(and she's not telling me anything!!)

Full circle in the city........

From 3515 North..... to 3505 South..... I've moved and starting again in what feels like an entirely different city. The view is the same, its just to the north now instead of the south.

As with every transition in my life, I have a lot to say, but don't have the time yet to do it justice. The emotions and thoughts I have experienced in the past 30 days are almost too much for me to process. It's one of those "who would have imagined this would be my life" kind of moments. So much has changed, and although its all for the better, I have to catch up with my thoughts, and have yet to do that. Its uncertainty that tends to slow me down. I get caught up in the logistics of getting things done... then when things are actually done.... I let out this deep breath and have nothing else to focus on and am forced to let it all in.

Introspection is a dangerous game when you only play it with yourself. Its better to have someone to bounce things off of, but that's just not my way. So this will be my sounding board over the coming months..... and for those of you who often express a sadness to what I write, please keep in mind that all that is written here is simply thought..... not fact. Writing here is my way of having a conversation with myself so to speak.... its a cleansing that I decided to do, and allow all of you in on.... in hopes that at the end of the posting you will feel you know me a little better than you did before you got to the page. It's terribly unsettling at times, to have such private feelings out here, but I made the choice when I moved far away, that this is my alternative. I don't see most of you or even talk to you that often, so at risk of "over-sharing".... its my way of still being in conversations with all of you for more than just the weather and "how have you been?".


I just wanted to say hello, and that I am so happy about the turn my life has taken this summer. I look forward to writing again... and really writing the way I was meant to... because now my heart feels full again, and I've come back to the little girl who can't wait to wake up every day....just to see how often I can laugh, and make someone else smile, and be so very grateful for those I love, and that love me back.

Love to all of you,
-Cyn

Coming home to a place you love.... or coming home to the person you love.......

I'm 32 years old and I have just now figured out that the word "home" is about a person, not a place. I never realized there was really a difference until today. Although I live in a beautiful apartment.... I would be just as happy coming home to an ice shanty if that same person was sitting in there waiting for me.

Life in Fast Forward......

What is the natural pace to life…. is there one? should there be one? How do you pace yourself? And if you do try, do you end up just pacing? Back and forth… like a caged animal that knows its existence is wrong, that there should be something more but you just can’t get to it, or won’t get to it. I sometimes wonder about the simple inertia of a life, and how it actually is a living breathing thing all on its own. How much do we control, and how much do we just roll with it, and let the events and people surrounding us influence our direction. Behind every action, every choice, every forward progression there has to be a motivator, an intent that comes from within you. Otherwise…. Life is just happening to you, and you’re not really living it. I suppose that’s ok for some people, its effortless and requires very little foresight, and eliminates regret and accountability. But then again, whose life are you living…. yours or the shadow of someone else’s?

It’s a catch 22 to live life in fast forward. It’s the road I’ve always seemed to take. It can be so terrifying, enlightening, exhilarating, and confusing….. but in a beautiful way. Sometime you get smacked down… and really hard. So hard it takes your breath away and you wonder if you’re going to make it….. but you always will. And the times you don’t get beat there is a sense of victory that can’t be duplicated. The knowledge that you made it against all odds and logic and rational thought… and you succeeded anyway, simply because you took a shot. That is success like no other, when you come out on top when the rest of the world tried to discourage and stop you. Its finding an invincibility of your soul that makes the leaps possible. Sure your heart gets broken, and disappointments abound, but when it works….. you breathe deeper and see clearer and feel invigorated… and that’s what life is….a string of emotions and memories that will carry you through your days waiting to see what the next moment might bring to you. The only thing I can think of that would be worse than bad memories, is no memories at all…..

And so with no one to talk to right now and have one of those "state of the union, what does it all mean" type conversations.... that's just what I was thinking about tonight. I have a friend that tells me "when you talk to your blog more than you talk to anyone else... its time to get off the porch". But tonight.... its the porch for me.

Love to all of you,
Cyn

Just looking through some pictures,

and this one put a smile on my face.

(me, Dad & Bek)
I miss you guys.

It's interesting to me how powerful your perspective can be.... and how easily that can change. The things you sometimes think are so significant, and so important can just fade away when you take a look from another angle. I have realized very recently that the basics are perspective and priorities... those seem to make up most people's every day lives and how they live them. I try to wonder about how mine have changed over the course of my life, and think about where they might be a decade from now.

I'd rather see the world from another angle. I have been granted situations that allow me to do that from time to time. To think about what's important, and why. To realize how precious every single second here really is, and how spending a day unhappy and unfulfilled is just crazy......

I guess what's on my mind is being true to myself for the choices I make.... stop second guessing because things may not make sense to the rest of the world. It's ok to be a little bit terrified...... and what a wonderful fear that grabs your insides and let's you know your alive. Seems funny to fear yourself, but trusting your own choices can be difficult when you have no idea what may happen. Your heart tends to embrace, and your head protects. But come what may...... and so it all comes back around to the chances you're willing to take, and the courage to investigate all the opportunities presented to you, especially the ones that just don't make any sense. Sometimes those are the greatest victories. I am so grateful for all my mistakes, and the choices I have made that didn't necessarily go the way I wanted them to.... because they brought me to this place...to this day.... to this moment in my life....which is a beautiful moment.

Pick your path, and walk your truth..... and the world will come around to you.

Today was a really good day.
Love to all of you,
Cyn

I wish I was as smart as I thought I was…….

Its’ funny when you learn things about yourself, and the nature of how your mind works. It doesn’t seem like something you can control, although you certainly have the power to. It’s almost an unconscious power that you have to force yourself to be aware of in order to exercise it. I wish I could harness that, without having to think so intensely about it.

Point being……. How does a person get to that total control over thought and emotion? I know people like that…. And it floors me. There are times when I don’t feel like I have a choice in how I am feeling, but I do. It’s that very thin line that exists when you are angry… and what comes out of our mouths but “you MADE me mad!”… No…. they didn’t. You made the choice to be mad in reaction to what has just occurred. No one can make you anything…. It’s all a choice you are making whether you realize it or not.

So how do we get a handle on that? Anyone I have ever asked that does seem capable of it always shrugs their shoulders and has no idea what I’m talking about… which leads me to think they really don’t realize it, and that its simply that they don’t care enough, about anything, to have any sort of reaction at all. To have a reaction to something… anything… you have go give a rat’s ass, right? Otherwise, you simply ignore it. So second part of the question is can you train yourself to NOT care? I’ve seen people do that as well…. usually some life altering tragedy aided the process, but nevertheless, they just stopped caring about most anything. I’m jealous of that at times.

I need to think about this some more… and figure out what my goal question is to figure out. I just know that for now…. I’m getting in my own way a lot of the time, and life takes turns that I find myself not knowing how to react to, or handle. I am ok with not know how to handle it….that’s a simple part of growing, and learning, we never stop doing that and I hope to never get to a point where I think I know how to handle everything, that means I’ve stopped evolving and that would be sad. It’s not knowing how to react that scares me… because that means something in me isn’t functioning on a true level, its holding back, or dying, or being subdued by my brain… and that’s no way to live. Constant internal conflict is a soul’s time bomb….. and I need to get rid of mine.

Love to all of you,
Cyn

I've been thinking a lot about relationships, or at least the pursuit of......

For some people, there exists a promise of greatness in love that motivates our every move. The time it takes to accomplish this is different for each one seeking that very rare blessing, which you may or may not obtain in a lifetime….. so what is it exactly that drives it… what is it exactly that creates a connection between two human beings who have no natural bond? What factors are at work internally to generate those attractions? The complicated part is that it is a different thing for each individual. For some it’s the physical element, purely an aesthetic issue to be drawn to someone. Usually where it starts….. but what grows, or conversely dies, from that point is the connectedness that we all strive to figure out. It puts life in fast forward when you have an emotional attachment to another human being….. when that person consumes your every thought and movement. Life changes focus in love, and yet it sometimes creates a blind spot so vast that you will inevitably annihilate yourself by a course of self destruction. It’s a fierce, soul-shaking pain to not be allowed to love with all your heart and soul. Whether it be by simple incompatibility, or mistakes you make on the way, or being denied the option from the object of your affections, or infatuations, whichever your specific predicament.

What a fascinating adventure….. to make the choice to put yourself completely out there to another person. No guarantee of anything but the adventure itself, and a story later in life to tell…. Tragic or otherwise, what a beautiful tale to be able to tell. Some don’t posses the courage….the emotional fortitude to take the chance. What a sad place to live, in hiding of the extremes, be it pure unbridled joy or horrific immobilizing pain….the full spectrum that can only come from a great love or a great loss. My greatest frustration is where does the fear come from? Almost always it’s a reaction to a past experience, disabling the possibility of the next one. We trudge through life, learning as we go and hanging on to each and every occurrence as though it is some sort of internal law within our own minds….killing a bit of our spirit each time. Only those that learn to unlearn can truly experience life. It’s a pretty simple choice really, yet so few people make the attempt.

So really, what it all boils down to is simple courage….. and without that, we are all on the long road to emotional mediocrity…….and nothing more. For me, I choose the adventure...... wherever it may take me.

-Cyn

The Infamous 5th Grade "Cootie"....

So again... here I sit with Grace, and wonder about the rest of the world... Thinking about the progression of love in a person's life. Not any specific person, but anyone. I think back to elementary school.... when boys had cooties. They had cooties because they were different, and we couldn't understand why. If you really think about the nature of the relationships in 5th grade, we never really get that much further than that. There is still the concern of the cootie... but now its in the form of hurt and heartbreak, not a fictitious parasite that may or may not infect your bloodstream and make you violently ill should you come in contact with it. How is heartache any different than the elusive cootie? It’s really the same.... crippling stomach pains with possible dry heaves.... the same. Genuine heartache is exactly the same.

So we spend at least the first decade after 5th grade investigating what really doesn't exist.... the cootie free man. It’s an illusion not unlike a good hair day or the lock ness monster. But I think it’s important to realize that they view us the same. The cootie has a different meaning and rears its ugly head in different ways depending on your gender, buy its still there.

Now where I think I am a bit ahead of the rest is that I seem to be developing immunity to the cootie. And, even better is I am also developing some sort of a sixth "cootie" sense that tells in what form it will appear eventually. I have a hard time going on date number 2 because of it. I can already tell how and in what form this person will lack in my mind. I guess that's a good thing, saves me a lot of lip gloss and time, but nonetheless, I almost wish I could just go on the date and not care.... I am learning that, but it’s taking time.

For now, I will continue to try and overcome whatever cooties I will face on my dates, and even do my part (as I have for 10 years now) to help the men I encounter to learn how to vaccinate their own cooties. I think I have done well, and now have found the optimism to look forward to the next man I date in order to get him ready for his wife......
we all have a purpose here... guess that's mine.

As always.... good times,
-Cyn

Technology is amazing.... I am sitting on my porch typing this. laptop on lap.... wireless network finally working, and its 80 degrees and beautiful out. I don't think I could ask for anything better. Now I just need a fridge out here and I don't have to go inside until November!

It's slow going getting back to the postings... I picked a bad time to announce my "comeback". But have no fear... it will be done.

You'll hear from me soon!!
-Cyn

Apparently I require exactly 37 days to pout. And in retrospect.....there was nothing to pout about.

The PAST is PASSED....and I'm back.

I look forward to writing and sharing life with you all again, so check back, and check back often. I have realized that continuing this page is very important to me, and those of you that read it regularly have been there for me no matter what. I'm so grateful for all of you, and the love and support you show me simply by reading and commenting when you have the time.

The weather is here.....wish you were beautiful. It's going to be an amazing Chicago summer.

Love to all of you,
Cyn

Hi Everyone. The page is once again on hold. Life is too hard right now and all me energies need to be committed to just getting through each hour of my days.

Hope you all have a great summer.

Take care,
Cyn

Trainer for a day......

Mom gave a new definition to the term "perma-grin" last Friday by visiting the Shedd's Trainer for a Day program. I don't think I have ever seen her that excited. So I guess it was a good gift choice......

Here are a few pictures. I will post more on my flickr site.
(as soon as I can remember what the url was.... I lost it. If any of you have the email, please send it back to me.)

The best part of the day is how Mom kept her hands firmly plastered in her pockets... when I saw her repeatedly throughout the morning, and each time with her hands jammed deep in her pockets, I realized it was because she was following the rules, and should she have been hands free outside her pockets, she didn't trust herself NOT to reach out and pet stuff.......
funny.

Mom's new friend Maya, who apparently likes to spit water on people from the suburbs!
Good Beluga!

The comment here was... "she felt like a hard boiled egg"

That "perma-grin" I was talking about.

And have YOU grabbed a dolphins tongue lately? I didn't think so......

Happy Easter.... apparently I am now only posting on holidays of some sort. What? My birthday is a holiday to me!

I need you all to participate in this posting.... I need you to please leave a comment with your ideas and opinions, or simply email me.... Now the question is.....

Should I get a dog?
And for those of you that know me pretty well, be fair and try to think of it from my view and what it may do for me, as well as what your personal thoughts on it are, which I am sure will be filled with logical, rational, practical advice..... which is not me... but I need to hear both sides.

So that's your Easter Sunday assignment! I look forward to hearing from you! Thanks for helping!

-Cyn

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME !!!!

I am 32 today... and that feels old for some reason. 30 I loved, it was very liberating, 31 was fine, nothing really different. but 32 has a definite decline to it, not sure why..... maybe this year will show me.

I decided to think of what I learned this year, and I may add to this as things hit me over the next few days.... but here is a start.

What I learned at 31.....

• Once you start to pay bills online, you forget how to write a check and purchase stamps
• make-up really does make a difference
• heartburn is real, not something old people make up for sympathy
• grey hairs grow back
• a burrito after 2:00 am still tastes good, but is a bad decision
• "Clubs" are full of kids
• I can no longer be considered "hot"..... and have graduated to "not bad for a 30-something"
• skin is fragile, and not actually elastic
• some clothes from my early 20's still fit me, does NOT mean I have any business wearing them
• I have no idea what "cool" is anymore
• the only radio worth listening to is WGN or NPR
• music is a lost art
• drinking is now called "cocktailing", and starts 5 hours earlier and ends 5 hours earlier
• I look forward to voting
• shoes and handbags can never make you look fat
• cigarettes really do effect your lung capacity
• walking at an accelerated rate really does effect your lung capacity
• manual labor takes on an entirely new meaning
• still getting letters in the actual snail mail is very exciting
• sarcasm does not transfer well via email or text message
• I am technically challenged
• I hate acronyms and wish people would use full words to communicate
• Men can't read minds
• I dislike dating boys, and have yet to figure out a way to stop
• flowers really do make things all betters sometimes
• my cat is the devil
• I ate too much Thai food when moving to Chicago, and actually dislike it now
• friends don't have to live anywhere near you
• attraction starts in the brain, if it doesn't, run away.....
• John Cusack is getting old
• there is an art to laundry
• patriotism and government have nothing to do with each other
• I have loved a lot of people in my life, and am grateful to all of them
• I am too old to break into any aspect of showbusiness, accept maybe "key grip" or something back stage
• grilled is better than pan fried
• well liquor and top shelf taste different
• bud light tastes like water
• Single malt scotch tastes like dirt (sorry Dad, its true)
• 8 hours of sleep is really, really nice to get
• I have no regrets

That about covers it for now...... Happy Thursday to all of you.

Good times,

Cyn

It's been a while... and I'm having too much fun, and am too busy to post lately.

I hope that spring is upon you and life is good.

I will get back to the postings soon.

-Cyn

I shouldn't have turned on the light.......

Life with Gracie... not so bad.

Missed opportunities..... story of my life.

I need to start carrying my camera around with me.... I have one of those camera phones, but cant figure out how to get the pictures out into the real world, so they stay in my phone as fuzzy little "oh - I think that's a picture of so-and-so".

Anyway, my technical inadequacies aside, nature can do some pretty amazing things. She is by far the best artist I have ever encountered. With the sub-zero temps this past week, and our proximity to the lake, there have been some indescribable mornings driving down Lake Shore. I thought I had had too much starbucks on my way in to work Saturday.... I couldn't tell what was up or down. The temperature of the water being so much warmer than the air, the surface of the lake looked like clouds, and the sky was so clear blue it looked like water... All rational thought left me for a moment and I wondered if I had somehow flipped my Toyota and was just too strung out on my ginormous white mocha to know the difference. Drop the skyline next to that and you have pure visual poetry.

So the moral of that story, I need to carry my camera. In the words of Ferris Bueller, " Life moves pretty fast.... if you don't stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it."

Mom didn't know it, but Grace liked the valentine too.....

Happy Valentine's Day!!


(scene from today)
A delivery man walks into the lobby carrying a huge bunch of flowers, with a teddy bear, a balloon following above a box of candy.... he asks for me. I smile and sign for the enormous bundle. My co-workers look on, oooo-ing and aahhh-ing, and one says "somebody loves you!" in a sarcastic, teasing manner. With out even looking at the card, I reply "yes someone does, and its my mother." And I was right.

Every year with out fail, mom sends me something to remind me that it doesn't have to be about romance, but it can be about the people you love. So coming from me, the eternally single girl who will never have a valentine's dinner with a husband, thanks Mom and Pokey for always thinking of me when the rest of the planet is focused on their spouses. It means more than you know to still get flowers on Valentine's Day.
Love you guys!!

Need I say more . . . . .

A celebration !! Cheers to a recent "birthday" of sorts. . . .
I wanted to take a minute to celebrate. Unfortunately, the one person I could properly celebrate this with has moved on and I am sure his new girlfriend would not share my enthusiasm, so I am stuck to celebrate myself. And I will. But side note: Best to you Ry.

I have lived in this amazing city 6 years now.....

I say "birthday" because I feel as though I almost started my life the day I unloaded that U-Haul truck in a January snow storm. My life began when I moved to Chicago. Its a difficult thing to put into words. Most people don't have it in them to be too drastically effected by their surroundings. Maybe a mood is influenced by a rainy day, or a traffic jam, but not like this.....

I will never forget the first morning I woke up in my Chicago apartment. And not just because it was hours earlier than I would have liked, thanks to the train 15 feet outside my window. But because I felt an exhale that was 10 years over due. My shoulders felt smaller, and my back felt looser, and my breathing felt deeper, and my soul felt calmer. and all this even in the midst of the complete unknown. I won't lie, I was terrified at the same time. But it was a beautiful kind of fear. The kind that wakes you up, slaps your face, and demands to know who you are.... right then and there.... no deliberation.

I think a lot of people have the same experience, I think that is why there is this inexplicable camaraderie amongst the ""imports" as I call them. We all seem to get each other, if for no other reason than having to over come the journey. No matter how different it may have been, the end goal being the same..... you just have to live here.

Even today, 6 years later, I can't tell you why. It is certainly not an easy place to live. I think I have spent more in parking tickets than car payments, and my rent could have paid for a nice 4 bedroom in Grand Rapids by now..... But none of that seems to matter. I pay twice as much for a gallon of milk or gas than the rest of Illinois, I save up for 2 weeks to go out to dinner if I can get a table in 3 hours. . . . It takes me 45 minutes to drive 5 miles to work, then I come home to a hundred year old, drafty apartment that I can barely afford after trying to park my car for 30 minutes on a street that may or may not tow me by morning, depending on the date and position of the moon.

And I still think I am one of 3 million of the most fortunate people on this planet. So today, I feel the need to say thank you Chicago.

Thank you for kicking my ass.
Thank you for the friendships you built.
Thank you for granting me courage.
Thank you for making me cry in loneliness.
Thank you for encouraging me to love.
Thank you for showing me compassion and tolerance.
Thank you for sharing your culture.
Thank you for giving me inner strength.
Thank you for educating me.
Thank you for making me feel beautiful.
Thank you for welcoming me in.
Thank you for waking me up.
Thank you for protecting me.
Thank you for opening my eyes, and my heart.
Thank you for teaching me to fly.

And thank you for starting my life, whether I was ready or not.

Good night all, from my sweet home . . . .
-Cyn

And the 6 million dollar question is . . . . . .

How do you measure success?

What does it mean to you? Is it a paycheck... a car..... a house....the size of your diamond.... the title on your business card.. ...the college you went to, or your kids went to on your dime?
how do you measure success? that is the question on my mind tonight.

Mine is not a simple answer, and its not monetary, or even related to a career at all. On the other hand, maybe it is the simplest answer.... mine is not really measured at all. Things like money, cars, jobs, real estate....don't hold value to me. They are just things you CAN have, but not things you need to have.
Most people look at me and think I am so far behind. But the funny thing is, I look at them and think I am so far ahead.

Success has no price tag, or tax bracket, or karat weight..... you can't measure a laugh, or contentment, or that feeling of calm you have when you naturally wake up from a good nights sleep. Those are the things I use to measure my own success. Did I smile and laugh today? Did I make anyone else smile or laugh? Did I do my job and be kind to people? Did I fall asleep peacefully, without worry? That is all I need to decide.

I am a firm believer in the old "to each their own" saying, but I have a hard time believing anyone with a fancy car, big ring, or half million dollar condo is more successful than I. And yet, almost anyone faced with the comparison would tell you just that.

Since I am struggling to better explain myself, let's take a look at what my old friend Webster's has to say about success...... it says "the achievement of something desired, intended or attempted" So, in theory, if I headed out to the store to buy toilet paper, and came home with toilet paper, I had a successful day. That simple.

So why is it so hard for anyone to see that I am successful? I have a cupboard full of toilet paper.....just as I intended.

As always.... good times,
-Cyn

And the winner is.....

It's too cute to even look at almost.... really, its crippling. Needless to say, one of my favorite things in DC. And now I am addicted to the Panda Cam... Enjoy!
http://nationalzoo.si.edu/Animals/GiantPandas/default.cfm

the largest of the war memorials

Korean War memorial

Cats at the zoo.

Vietnam Memorial wall.... made me cry
Steps of Lincoln memorial.... didn't make me cry

Just a few pics from my trip to DC last weekend. I will write some about it when I have had a chance to let it all properly marinate... I have always considered myself a patriot, and sitting on these steps looking at a 3 story Lincoln just helped me solidify that. I was very overwhelmed by the way my gut reacted to these things. I find it hard to talk with people sometimes about the "state of the union" so to speak. and mainly because people can't differentiate patriotism from government... they can't seem to separate them. A true patriot supports and believes in his/her county all the time, and his/her government when it deserves so.

Keep that in mind next time you feel the need to comment, and remember you don't have to love the people in charge to love your country.

-Cyn

A little hope at the end of the remote.....

I was in a bad mood today. No particular reason.... just bitter at the planet and every conversation I had seemed to steer in the direction of a fierce rant on my part, and the person I was talking to almost ran from me each time. Everything irritated me today.... my own face, breakfast, work meetings, my cell phone ringing, the weather.... you name it and I was pissed about it today. And just when I thought I was going to have to heavily medicate myself to sleep by drinking all the NyQuil and Tylenol sleepy time in my cabinets, I find a little dose of hope on a late night talk show.

So the story goes like this....
over 150 channels to choose from, and still nothing was on..... I had been flipping the guide station on and off for over 3 hours, and not watched more than 5 minutes of anything. Something did catch my eye, which was a black german shepherd dog with a little badge hanging around its neck. So as I usually do with critters on the tv ( I get that from my mom) I pause and see what's up with this dog..... turns out I am watching the Ellen show, and this 10 year old girl in California has been collecting pennies she finds on the street, or that people will give her, to buy bullet-proof vests for police dogs. How adorable and amazing is that! I started to cry like a 10 year old... seemed fitting... and wanted to immediately sell my car and half my belongings and send the profits to her. At $400 a pop, she has managed to buy 20 vests to date. Ellen of course being the super human that she is, pulled out $400 cash and stuck it in a coffee can and then passed the can around the audience. The folks at Pedigree or Purina (can't remember, was sobbing like a sissy girl) donated $10,000 to her program as well.

All my anger and irritation was gone. I sometimes wonder why we insist on letting adults run the world..... more often then not I am inspired by a kid. Their young minds have yet to be tainted by the world around them. And I can imagine people reading this and thinking "that's silly, you can't save the world". That lovely statement only made by people who are too damn selfish and lazy to ever act on something they believe in, or they simply don't believe in anything. And to those out there who may think that way.... there are 20 dogs in California that would tell you differently if they could speak your language, and 20 more officers who know their furry partners are much safer at work.

And this all started because a little girl was watching the news one night and saw that a K-9 officer was shot and killed, and that made her mad. So she ran to her mom and said "if they keep us safe, we should do more to keep them safe".... and so http://www.protect-a-dog.com/ was born.

So thank you 10 year old Alyssa Mayorga from California for reminding me what life is really all about.