Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Happy Holidays.....I think...
In all honesty, I am not in the spirit this year...... too busy dreaming of a life in the tropics, far from all this limiting snow and unreasonable commerce that both drive the season. At 10.25% sales tax.... its hard to buy milk.....
My thoughts are drifting to another time and place, when snow was fun and only limited getting to school, and that was good news. Where you put on snow-pants and went outside until your mittens were frozen blocks and your mom was yelling to get inside before you got frostbite. That was the life.
Lately I feel overwhelmed by my age, and by the inertia of just getting through the days. It seems as though life isn't really ours to live anymore. But instead completely navigated and controlled by our occupations. My job runs my life, and my husbands job runs his, and my friends.... when did we all convert from working-to-live to living-to-work. Its something I told myself I would never do, and here I am.
So.... as I sit at my desk today looking out on a frozen harbor and snow crippling the city... I have Jimmy Buffett playing ever so quietly on my computer... trying to reason with this hurricane season, and hoping to find a little holiday cheer. After all, December 25th is Jimmy's Birthday, so if for nothing else, happy birthday Mr Buffett.... and thanks for getting me through this day.
Happy Holidays everyone. I hope I am able to travel through the mess and see some of you soon.
Love,
Cyn
In all honesty, I am not in the spirit this year...... too busy dreaming of a life in the tropics, far from all this limiting snow and unreasonable commerce that both drive the season. At 10.25% sales tax.... its hard to buy milk.....
My thoughts are drifting to another time and place, when snow was fun and only limited getting to school, and that was good news. Where you put on snow-pants and went outside until your mittens were frozen blocks and your mom was yelling to get inside before you got frostbite. That was the life.
Lately I feel overwhelmed by my age, and by the inertia of just getting through the days. It seems as though life isn't really ours to live anymore. But instead completely navigated and controlled by our occupations. My job runs my life, and my husbands job runs his, and my friends.... when did we all convert from working-to-live to living-to-work. Its something I told myself I would never do, and here I am.
So.... as I sit at my desk today looking out on a frozen harbor and snow crippling the city... I have Jimmy Buffett playing ever so quietly on my computer... trying to reason with this hurricane season, and hoping to find a little holiday cheer. After all, December 25th is Jimmy's Birthday, so if for nothing else, happy birthday Mr Buffett.... and thanks for getting me through this day.
Happy Holidays everyone. I hope I am able to travel through the mess and see some of you soon.
Love,
Cyn
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
Friday, December 05, 2008
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Happy Birthday Sam!
My nephew's first birthday today....
and what a day in history to be your birthday.
I'll have to tell him about it when he is older,
and try to explain how extraordinary his first
birthday was. What it meant to his Grandpa Gary, who will
no doubt teach Sam all about being a Democrat.
Where Aunt BC and Uncle John lived then, and what it
was like to be here when it all happened........
My nephew's first birthday today....
and what a day in history to be your birthday.
I'll have to tell him about it when he is older,
and try to explain how extraordinary his first
birthday was. What it meant to his Grandpa Gary, who will
no doubt teach Sam all about being a Democrat.
Where Aunt BC and Uncle John lived then, and what it
was like to be here when it all happened........
But for now, just focus on the cake Sammy..... the only
lesson today is that cake is good!
lesson today is that cake is good!
Not sure about his cake.....that's because Aunt BC wasn't there to
teach you about cake
Uncle Frank, Bek and Samat Sam's party.
Grant Park, Chicago, IL
November 4, 2008
November 4, 2008
The newlyweds, and my very good friends,Gerald & Christie Denson
I don't have many words yet....
so hopefully these pictures will suffice.
What a day to be an America..... a Democrat.... a Chicagoan..... and just a hopeful and inspired human being. This victory was not just celebrated here in the streets of Chicago, or in the United States, but around the world. A hope for change has been realized, and we all need to keep an open mind and an open heart to what our world could be.... and that positive change IS possible, if not inevitable, and we are all here today to see the beginning of this next chapter in American history. I thank everyone who helped
make this day happen.
so hopefully these pictures will suffice.
What a day to be an America..... a Democrat.... a Chicagoan..... and just a hopeful and inspired human being. This victory was not just celebrated here in the streets of Chicago, or in the United States, but around the world. A hope for change has been realized, and we all need to keep an open mind and an open heart to what our world could be.... and that positive change IS possible, if not inevitable, and we are all here today to see the beginning of this next chapter in American history. I thank everyone who helped
make this day happen.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Happy Election Day!
I love Election day..... it's so tense and exciting! Everyone is in over-drive with their last minute efforts to convert someone to "their" side. The debates in line at polling places and the energy on the streets as people set aside every day life and responsibility to fulfill the ultimate responsibility as an American.... to get out and vote. No matter what.
To be here in Chicago today has me in a constant state of just-about-to-cry..... or "all choked up" as they say. I can't even explain it exactly, its excitement and pride and hope and patriotism... all jammed into a place where its difficult for all those emotions to exist all at once. I also feel kind of sad that I am so separated from my family.... I feel as though I am about to witness, first hand, a truly historic moment and they can't be here to celebrate it with me. "Life in detachment" I have grown to call it.... but I guess that's just life. But it sure would be nice to be able to hug my Dad, and see the look on his face when they announce the good news.
I got in line this morning long before I am usually even awake... my dog isn't even usually awake yet. I stood outside in what could have been much colder weather, so I was lucky, for about an hour, and then inside a cramped church for another 45 minutes and finally worked my way to the ballot. Holding that ballot in my hand I am reminded of the privilege we are blessed with, and how powerful that feeling is, that I have a say in all this.....in the bigger picture, and who is in charge. I think about some people on this planet who will never be able to have a say, or those that are killed or mutilated for attempting to have a say..... those are the thoughts that again bring me back to the feeling I get about every 4 months that I am one of the luckiest people on this planet. It's true that we all have our own personal degree of suffering, but its nice to bring some perspective into the picture once in a while, and even better when you do that yourself.
The sidewalks around Grant Park have been filled with people since this morning, and some even arriving last night to get in line for Obama's rally. The gates don't open until 8:30pm, and this afternoon the streets are almost full of people waiting. I love that this can bring people together that normally may not see eye to eye..... I love how we can join together in support of something wonderful, and at this point its still a hope that is bonding everyone.... not a definite, just an idea, a thought, a wish.... a hope for the better.... and in a few hours there will be possibly hundreds of thousands of people standing around with fingers crossed. That's a pretty powerful thing to embrace. And I'm glad I get it. I'm glad I get to witness it right here at home. I'm glad my friends and family get it.
To my friends and family not here with me.... I'll get a cheer in for you here in Obama's hometown when they give him the news. And Dad.... I'll put in a good word for you on that whole judge thing.....
That's it for now. If you haven't voted yet.... go vote!
Love,
Cyn
I love Election day..... it's so tense and exciting! Everyone is in over-drive with their last minute efforts to convert someone to "their" side. The debates in line at polling places and the energy on the streets as people set aside every day life and responsibility to fulfill the ultimate responsibility as an American.... to get out and vote. No matter what.
To be here in Chicago today has me in a constant state of just-about-to-cry..... or "all choked up" as they say. I can't even explain it exactly, its excitement and pride and hope and patriotism... all jammed into a place where its difficult for all those emotions to exist all at once. I also feel kind of sad that I am so separated from my family.... I feel as though I am about to witness, first hand, a truly historic moment and they can't be here to celebrate it with me. "Life in detachment" I have grown to call it.... but I guess that's just life. But it sure would be nice to be able to hug my Dad, and see the look on his face when they announce the good news.
I got in line this morning long before I am usually even awake... my dog isn't even usually awake yet. I stood outside in what could have been much colder weather, so I was lucky, for about an hour, and then inside a cramped church for another 45 minutes and finally worked my way to the ballot. Holding that ballot in my hand I am reminded of the privilege we are blessed with, and how powerful that feeling is, that I have a say in all this.....in the bigger picture, and who is in charge. I think about some people on this planet who will never be able to have a say, or those that are killed or mutilated for attempting to have a say..... those are the thoughts that again bring me back to the feeling I get about every 4 months that I am one of the luckiest people on this planet. It's true that we all have our own personal degree of suffering, but its nice to bring some perspective into the picture once in a while, and even better when you do that yourself.
The sidewalks around Grant Park have been filled with people since this morning, and some even arriving last night to get in line for Obama's rally. The gates don't open until 8:30pm, and this afternoon the streets are almost full of people waiting. I love that this can bring people together that normally may not see eye to eye..... I love how we can join together in support of something wonderful, and at this point its still a hope that is bonding everyone.... not a definite, just an idea, a thought, a wish.... a hope for the better.... and in a few hours there will be possibly hundreds of thousands of people standing around with fingers crossed. That's a pretty powerful thing to embrace. And I'm glad I get it. I'm glad I get to witness it right here at home. I'm glad my friends and family get it.
To my friends and family not here with me.... I'll get a cheer in for you here in Obama's hometown when they give him the news. And Dad.... I'll put in a good word for you on that whole judge thing.....
That's it for now. If you haven't voted yet.... go vote!
Love,
Cyn
Thursday, October 16, 2008
The Price of a Dog's Love.......
Motorola Bluetooth #1 $89.00
Motorola Bluetooth #2 $89.00
Motorola Bluetooth #3 $99.00
Prescription glasses $400.00
5 phone holders $100.00
Floor lamp (ate cord) $ 79.99
Table lamp (ate cord) $ 29.00
7 dog beds (total est.) $350.00
Sectional Sofa (used) $ 250.00
Curling iron $ 69.99
6 pairs of shoes (est.) $ 375.00
1 briefcase $ 75.00
1 planner $ 39.99
3 blankets $ 120.00
2 towels $ 15.00
4 leashes $ 40.00
1 bout of bad diarrhea $ 520.00
(I know I'm forgetting some things)
The look on her face when we walk through the door....... I think its only worth about $199.00!
But... the look on John's face when he walks through the door... that's the "priceless" part.
It has to be fate that I would pick the most beautiful, sad looking dog at the shelter, and that my husband has the biggest heart a human could possibly have. Lucky dog!
I suppose kids cost more... and you wouldn't return or give away one of those. I don't see it as any different... although I can put mine in a cage while I'm not home for the remainder of its life.
Here's to Vegas..... the $2,740.99 "free" rescued dog.
-Cyn
Motorola Bluetooth #1 $89.00
Motorola Bluetooth #2 $89.00
Motorola Bluetooth #3 $99.00
Prescription glasses $400.00
5 phone holders $100.00
Floor lamp (ate cord) $ 79.99
Table lamp (ate cord) $ 29.00
7 dog beds (total est.) $350.00
Sectional Sofa (used) $ 250.00
Curling iron $ 69.99
6 pairs of shoes (est.) $ 375.00
1 briefcase $ 75.00
1 planner $ 39.99
3 blankets $ 120.00
2 towels $ 15.00
4 leashes $ 40.00
1 bout of bad diarrhea $ 520.00
(I know I'm forgetting some things)
The look on her face when we walk through the door....... I think its only worth about $199.00!
But... the look on John's face when he walks through the door... that's the "priceless" part.
It has to be fate that I would pick the most beautiful, sad looking dog at the shelter, and that my husband has the biggest heart a human could possibly have. Lucky dog!
I suppose kids cost more... and you wouldn't return or give away one of those. I don't see it as any different... although I can put mine in a cage while I'm not home for the remainder of its life.
Here's to Vegas..... the $2,740.99 "free" rescued dog.
-Cyn
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Friday, June 13, 2008
Dying of heat..... but don't the neighborhood look nice!!
I grow more and more confused by the day lately..... Maybe my Dad, having been the Village Attorney, can explain things like this to me in a logical, sensible manner..... but I don't see how.
In Addison, Illinois, the city government has passed a law banning some window air conditioner units, and this is my favorite part, simply because they don't look very nice in the windows. I can't wrap by brain around that... not only on the basis that the local government or any body of government for that matter, would even entertain the thought of ruling on such an insignificant detail, but that it is rooted in a vain and superficial ideal anyway.
Seriously.... I am so angry I don't even know if I can write........
This is the first time in my adult life that I am truly conflicted about my country. I have always considered myself extremely patriotic, and that is completely different than being political and supporting the current government, because I am actually old enough now to remember presidents I have liked and those I have disliked. I am in love with what this county's founding fathers had in mind for us, their ideals and process of how keeping order and evolving civilization could go, and go well for all of us. I love being an American, and I know that I have it easier than 95% of the worlds population, and that's a lot of people. I even have it pretty good as an American. I may not be in the upper tax brackets or debt free or have some fancy degree and title to match, but I don't lack for food, shelter, heating and cooling, clean clothes (if I do its out of laziness, not resources), tv and every day conveniences, transportation, I could go on and on.... if I need or want it, I'm not without. But I am getting to the point where I feel like those ideals are being washed away, and quickly, by the local government first, and it rises up the chain until every aspect of every control on our lives may be enacted because they have the benefit and fall back of saying "well, look what they did in Addison, IL. in 2008, this isn't much different".
Having said that, I am getting to the point where I find myself in disagreement with my local governments more so than I find what they are doing to be a good thing. And I am one of those dutiful tax payer types, who doesn't fret about taxes because I feel what they give (or gave, as I am starting to turn) was worth it.... If my house is on fire, the CPD would be there in mere minutes, if I need a police officer, chances are one drives by, my city is beautiful and clean... and I used to count those types of things are really being worth it.
But lately....the pot-holes are unbearable, the condition of the roads and the regulations on which parking can take place in this city are completely out of control..... The meters are higher, the public transit is falling apart, routes are cut and prices keeps going up. You can almost get a parking ticket for the color of your vehicle in this city... and its all coming to a head with the fact that there are now people in Addison Illinois who are going to literally roast in the homes that they OWN, because someone, somewhere on some city council speaking from their central air conditioned home and office decided that "gee, that window air unit is really unsightly and I just would rather not look at it...... let's make that a crime!".
My brain can't compute that kind of decision making. It makes me doubt the entire Democratic process in this country..... its all crumbling down before my eyes because some in-human schmuck in Addison who is as deep as a Frisbee got themselves some authority along the way. Do these people feel good about this? Are they reading the headlines in THE CHICAGO TRIBUNE today and patting themselves on the back, thinking "pretty soon Addison will be looking sooo gooood!!!" Is that thought process even possible? I can't see how.
But I digress.....some of you think I am overreacting, as I am famous for doing... but a life lacking passion is simply a lacking life.... so, let's take a moment and list the things that over the months have built this camel in which the Addison-air-conditioner scandal is the straw that broke its back.
Smoking bans - indoors, fine.... but outside in a park or at the beach or on the sidewalk.... and I am no longer a smoker, and that to me is insane and not far from down right scary. Telling me what I can and can not do outside, in "public" falls nicely within the realm of a dictatorship. The only difference here is that it is not (yet) being enforced with fire power or weaponry of any kind. That is what pacifies Americans into thinking this kind of legislation is still ok, because we simply told you you can't do that but we are not "strong-arming" or "threatening" you into submission..... at least not yet.
Parking regulations - I haven't written about it yet (mostly because I am without words.... still.....) but I got a ticket for parking a pick-up truck on a residential street in Chicago. "$125 please..... Don't ever park on the street you live on again, or the surrounding streets. With Love, The Department of Revenue". So, now the city of Chicago has gotten into the business of dictating what kind of vehicle you drive if you live here. And, all this AFTER having sold me $225 worth of stickers/permits for that SPECIFIC TRUCK to park on those SPECIFIC STREETS.... it boggles the mind.
Meigs Field, an airport one day..... a bulldozed patch of dirt in the morning. The Great and Powerful Daley crept in, in the middle of the night, with bulldozers and tore up the runway..... WITH planes on the ground, that now had no figure out a way to get off the odd little peninsula behind soldier field. Community against it, Mayor for it, so its done.....
Children's Museum... now this one is big.... not big in the sense that its for the kids, all for things for the kids, keeps them out of my bars.... But a big one for the precedent it will set, and what this breach in history means for the future of this beautiful city. He is trying to move this museum from its wonderful residence at Navy Pier, to Grant Park... PARK.... I'm sorry, but what doesn't he get about the work PARK... roughly 100 years ago, a law was enacted in Chicago that the lakefront and park areas were to be kept free of building and private establishments (save the park district restrooms and small buildings needed to the parks function), and be open and available for all time to the residents and tourists in Chicago. Those parks belong to me, and John, and Christie, and the Smiths and The Johnsons down the street..... and so on.... and now he wants to put a PRIVATELY held museum on that property, and my favorite part, is he is giving them a liquor license. So, we can really see the motivation here...... and its NOT for the kids now is it. The good old fashioned Land Grab, as the talk radios are overcome with commentary from outraged Chicagoans. Its the precedent that simply can't happen here. If this goes through, in 20 years there will be no more public lake front, no more grant park, and no more parks in all the little neighborhoods from Hyde Park (will be gone!) to Evanston..... If Mayor can make a buck, he will find a way to make that buck, against all his constituents (although I guess you have to have an actual FAIR election to consider them constituents) wishes and opinions. He just does what he does... and I fail to see how that is democracy.
And that brings us to the Air Conditioners..... in short... suffer from heat stroke or install a costly central air system (if you even own and have that option) because that old window unit you have it just too unsightly for me.
That about does it for my rant today..... thinking of all those expatriated Americans living in the tropics.... wondering how soon I can join them.
Love,
Cyn
I grow more and more confused by the day lately..... Maybe my Dad, having been the Village Attorney, can explain things like this to me in a logical, sensible manner..... but I don't see how.
In Addison, Illinois, the city government has passed a law banning some window air conditioner units, and this is my favorite part, simply because they don't look very nice in the windows. I can't wrap by brain around that... not only on the basis that the local government or any body of government for that matter, would even entertain the thought of ruling on such an insignificant detail, but that it is rooted in a vain and superficial ideal anyway.
Seriously.... I am so angry I don't even know if I can write........
This is the first time in my adult life that I am truly conflicted about my country. I have always considered myself extremely patriotic, and that is completely different than being political and supporting the current government, because I am actually old enough now to remember presidents I have liked and those I have disliked. I am in love with what this county's founding fathers had in mind for us, their ideals and process of how keeping order and evolving civilization could go, and go well for all of us. I love being an American, and I know that I have it easier than 95% of the worlds population, and that's a lot of people. I even have it pretty good as an American. I may not be in the upper tax brackets or debt free or have some fancy degree and title to match, but I don't lack for food, shelter, heating and cooling, clean clothes (if I do its out of laziness, not resources), tv and every day conveniences, transportation, I could go on and on.... if I need or want it, I'm not without. But I am getting to the point where I feel like those ideals are being washed away, and quickly, by the local government first, and it rises up the chain until every aspect of every control on our lives may be enacted because they have the benefit and fall back of saying "well, look what they did in Addison, IL. in 2008, this isn't much different".
Having said that, I am getting to the point where I find myself in disagreement with my local governments more so than I find what they are doing to be a good thing. And I am one of those dutiful tax payer types, who doesn't fret about taxes because I feel what they give (or gave, as I am starting to turn) was worth it.... If my house is on fire, the CPD would be there in mere minutes, if I need a police officer, chances are one drives by, my city is beautiful and clean... and I used to count those types of things are really being worth it.
But lately....the pot-holes are unbearable, the condition of the roads and the regulations on which parking can take place in this city are completely out of control..... The meters are higher, the public transit is falling apart, routes are cut and prices keeps going up. You can almost get a parking ticket for the color of your vehicle in this city... and its all coming to a head with the fact that there are now people in Addison Illinois who are going to literally roast in the homes that they OWN, because someone, somewhere on some city council speaking from their central air conditioned home and office decided that "gee, that window air unit is really unsightly and I just would rather not look at it...... let's make that a crime!".
My brain can't compute that kind of decision making. It makes me doubt the entire Democratic process in this country..... its all crumbling down before my eyes because some in-human schmuck in Addison who is as deep as a Frisbee got themselves some authority along the way. Do these people feel good about this? Are they reading the headlines in THE CHICAGO TRIBUNE today and patting themselves on the back, thinking "pretty soon Addison will be looking sooo gooood!!!" Is that thought process even possible? I can't see how.
But I digress.....some of you think I am overreacting, as I am famous for doing... but a life lacking passion is simply a lacking life.... so, let's take a moment and list the things that over the months have built this camel in which the Addison-air-conditioner scandal is the straw that broke its back.
Smoking bans - indoors, fine.... but outside in a park or at the beach or on the sidewalk.... and I am no longer a smoker, and that to me is insane and not far from down right scary. Telling me what I can and can not do outside, in "public" falls nicely within the realm of a dictatorship. The only difference here is that it is not (yet) being enforced with fire power or weaponry of any kind. That is what pacifies Americans into thinking this kind of legislation is still ok, because we simply told you you can't do that but we are not "strong-arming" or "threatening" you into submission..... at least not yet.
Parking regulations - I haven't written about it yet (mostly because I am without words.... still.....) but I got a ticket for parking a pick-up truck on a residential street in Chicago. "$125 please..... Don't ever park on the street you live on again, or the surrounding streets. With Love, The Department of Revenue". So, now the city of Chicago has gotten into the business of dictating what kind of vehicle you drive if you live here. And, all this AFTER having sold me $225 worth of stickers/permits for that SPECIFIC TRUCK to park on those SPECIFIC STREETS.... it boggles the mind.
Meigs Field, an airport one day..... a bulldozed patch of dirt in the morning. The Great and Powerful Daley crept in, in the middle of the night, with bulldozers and tore up the runway..... WITH planes on the ground, that now had no figure out a way to get off the odd little peninsula behind soldier field. Community against it, Mayor for it, so its done.....
Children's Museum... now this one is big.... not big in the sense that its for the kids, all for things for the kids, keeps them out of my bars.... But a big one for the precedent it will set, and what this breach in history means for the future of this beautiful city. He is trying to move this museum from its wonderful residence at Navy Pier, to Grant Park... PARK.... I'm sorry, but what doesn't he get about the work PARK... roughly 100 years ago, a law was enacted in Chicago that the lakefront and park areas were to be kept free of building and private establishments (save the park district restrooms and small buildings needed to the parks function), and be open and available for all time to the residents and tourists in Chicago. Those parks belong to me, and John, and Christie, and the Smiths and The Johnsons down the street..... and so on.... and now he wants to put a PRIVATELY held museum on that property, and my favorite part, is he is giving them a liquor license. So, we can really see the motivation here...... and its NOT for the kids now is it. The good old fashioned Land Grab, as the talk radios are overcome with commentary from outraged Chicagoans. Its the precedent that simply can't happen here. If this goes through, in 20 years there will be no more public lake front, no more grant park, and no more parks in all the little neighborhoods from Hyde Park (will be gone!) to Evanston..... If Mayor can make a buck, he will find a way to make that buck, against all his constituents (although I guess you have to have an actual FAIR election to consider them constituents) wishes and opinions. He just does what he does... and I fail to see how that is democracy.
And that brings us to the Air Conditioners..... in short... suffer from heat stroke or install a costly central air system (if you even own and have that option) because that old window unit you have it just too unsightly for me.
That about does it for my rant today..... thinking of all those expatriated Americans living in the tropics.... wondering how soon I can join them.
Love,
Cyn
Friday, May 23, 2008
To answer the "Why the Jeep" question.......
While I was very happy to be able to replace the Toyota, although I loved it..... and be able to have a car again..... I felt that no one shared in my joy, but instead seemed a bit put-off by the transaction. After listening to comments over the last month, and feeling awkward about people's reactions, I feel an urging to give some reasons, not that I need to do that at my age, but will for those outside of my world who don't understand the choice, maybe this will help......
1.) THE LONGING: I am 34 and have never had a car that wasn't either given or sold to me at a drastically discounted rate from my Mom (God bless her), or found "what a deal" as long as you don't care what it looks like from my Dad (the Delta 88).... Again, greatly appreciated that help and those opportunities, and am very grateful to have had great cars that I could not have otherwise afforded... but now I am 34 and simply picked out a car I wanted...... for the first time in my life. And although she is 5 years old, she looks and feels like a new car to me, and that makes me feel great!
1.) THE MATH: This may not make any sense to anyone else, but the car payment (especially one that doesn't start for 90 days) is a lot cheaper than a new engine. Simple math..... if I had $2000 just lying around for an engine this wouldn't be an issue, but I don't. Additionally, why not sell the Toyota while its still worth something. The blue book on the Toyota (running, of course) is a ridiculous amount, so why not sell it before the mileage gets out of control and the rust takes over the wheel wells.... Sure I could have driven it until it fell apart, (which I DID but this still doesn't make sense to some). But then I get nothing back. Sure, no car payment in that time, but also nothing to start with once it dies either. My payment hasn't increased from car to car, and I stand to make a few thousand this way.... seems silly to do anything else.
2.) THE ALTERNATIVE: Here is an excerpt from an article in the Chicago Tribune..... I am not a brat, and I am not lazy... that is not why I went out and replaced my transportation so quickly. But this would be my CTA stop, twice a day, everyday.....
By Robert Mitchum Tribune reporter
May 23, 2008
Francis Oduro came to the United States to follow in his father's footsteps and take advantage of the country's educational opportunities to study engineering.Oduro, 22, liked living in Chicago. But he was horrified by the violence he would see every night on the news, including gunplay that was unheard of in his native Ghana, his family said.
On Wednesday night, Oduro became a victim of that same violence, gunned down along the 4500 block of North Broadway as he walked to a CTA train stop from Truman College, where he had been taking classes for more than a year. Another man, a suspected gang member who police said may have been the target of the shooting, was critically injured. Early Thursday morning, officers showed up at Oduro's home bearing the grim news that the young man had died in the crossfire. About 9:15 p.m., Oduro was walking the same direction as another man down Broadway when an unknown offender between the ages of 18 and 20 opened fire, police said.
The other shooting victim was taken in critical condition to Illinois Masonic Medical Center, while Oduro was pronounced dead at the scene. Police were examining surveillance video Thursday for evidence, but no one had yet been taken into custody, spokeswoman Monique Bond said. The news left Oduro's family to grapple with the thought that their promising young relative may have merely been caught in the middle of the violence that he so feared.
Tribune staff reporter Angela Rozas contributed to this report.
Had I known I would not have a car I would have chosen a different place to live. That's just the way it works in Chicago. I simply did what I had to do, and what I wanted to do, and there is nothing wrong with that.
That's all I have to say about that.....
-Cyn
While I was very happy to be able to replace the Toyota, although I loved it..... and be able to have a car again..... I felt that no one shared in my joy, but instead seemed a bit put-off by the transaction. After listening to comments over the last month, and feeling awkward about people's reactions, I feel an urging to give some reasons, not that I need to do that at my age, but will for those outside of my world who don't understand the choice, maybe this will help......
1.) THE LONGING: I am 34 and have never had a car that wasn't either given or sold to me at a drastically discounted rate from my Mom (God bless her), or found "what a deal" as long as you don't care what it looks like from my Dad (the Delta 88).... Again, greatly appreciated that help and those opportunities, and am very grateful to have had great cars that I could not have otherwise afforded... but now I am 34 and simply picked out a car I wanted...... for the first time in my life. And although she is 5 years old, she looks and feels like a new car to me, and that makes me feel great!
1.) THE MATH: This may not make any sense to anyone else, but the car payment (especially one that doesn't start for 90 days) is a lot cheaper than a new engine. Simple math..... if I had $2000 just lying around for an engine this wouldn't be an issue, but I don't. Additionally, why not sell the Toyota while its still worth something. The blue book on the Toyota (running, of course) is a ridiculous amount, so why not sell it before the mileage gets out of control and the rust takes over the wheel wells.... Sure I could have driven it until it fell apart, (which I DID but this still doesn't make sense to some). But then I get nothing back. Sure, no car payment in that time, but also nothing to start with once it dies either. My payment hasn't increased from car to car, and I stand to make a few thousand this way.... seems silly to do anything else.
2.) THE ALTERNATIVE: Here is an excerpt from an article in the Chicago Tribune..... I am not a brat, and I am not lazy... that is not why I went out and replaced my transportation so quickly. But this would be my CTA stop, twice a day, everyday.....
By Robert Mitchum Tribune reporter
May 23, 2008
Francis Oduro came to the United States to follow in his father's footsteps and take advantage of the country's educational opportunities to study engineering.Oduro, 22, liked living in Chicago. But he was horrified by the violence he would see every night on the news, including gunplay that was unheard of in his native Ghana, his family said.
On Wednesday night, Oduro became a victim of that same violence, gunned down along the 4500 block of North Broadway as he walked to a CTA train stop from Truman College, where he had been taking classes for more than a year. Another man, a suspected gang member who police said may have been the target of the shooting, was critically injured. Early Thursday morning, officers showed up at Oduro's home bearing the grim news that the young man had died in the crossfire. About 9:15 p.m., Oduro was walking the same direction as another man down Broadway when an unknown offender between the ages of 18 and 20 opened fire, police said.
The other shooting victim was taken in critical condition to Illinois Masonic Medical Center, while Oduro was pronounced dead at the scene. Police were examining surveillance video Thursday for evidence, but no one had yet been taken into custody, spokeswoman Monique Bond said. The news left Oduro's family to grapple with the thought that their promising young relative may have merely been caught in the middle of the violence that he so feared.
Tribune staff reporter Angela Rozas contributed to this report.
Had I known I would not have a car I would have chosen a different place to live. That's just the way it works in Chicago. I simply did what I had to do, and what I wanted to do, and there is nothing wrong with that.
That's all I have to say about that.....
-Cyn
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Do the Crossroads ever end?
That is the question bothering me today..... does life ever calm down? Do things ever continue just as they are, and as you expect them to? I used to look forward to the twists and turns.... it was a source of excitement and an exhilarating reminder that life is so very unpredictable and fragile.... but for some reason I feel differently now. The twists and turns have left me panic stricken and depressed. I guess its because if it all blew up, I had nothing to lose before. So be it..... drag myself out of the ruble and carry on..... but now things seem different, I feel weighted down and responsible for things and I am no longer just a "me" but a "we" and life that way is so much more complex.
So what to do......
It is the road less traveled that has always fascinated me, and inspired me even if I did not take it. the very thought of it would provoke new ideas and new actions and new adventures within my own world. Even if I didn't venture out to a new continent or occupation as I would like to. And in this process of aging and life changing, I realize I am a bit of a control freak.......and its funny because courage only counts when you are unsure of the outcome..... that's bravery, the unknown circumstance being irrelevant to the action you take. I think it was Winston Churchill who said "True courage is the journey from failure to failure with out losing your enthusiasm." I really like that. It resonates well when you fall on your face a second time in the same situation. I seem to be doing that more often.
I also am starting to wonder..... have I just been going about this life all wrong? ... if that makes any sense... Have I caught up to my depth and my thinking. A friend describes me as a critical thinker.... all the time... always analyzing and evaluating and debating.... and taking things so much deeper than most. She admires it, but I think its one of my greatest flaws. It makes my life harder than someone who operates on the surface and has that "take it as it is" outlook. So I find myself lonely in my thinking, and lonely in my life... not connecting at the same levels and trying to understand those that don't think like I do. So..... was I simply ahead of myself before, and now I'm current? My mom calls me an old soul, saying that sometimes its like I have lived 100 years in my heart and mind in the way I see life.... and I feel like I have, and I feel like I'm done now.
There are very few things that get me through my days, and it seems as those things grow fewer in number as I get older. So maybe I need to create replacements, or is it just time to pick it up and try life elsewhere again.... maybe its my surroundings and the longing to be somewhere else that generates that general malaise and discontent I feel. Maybe its just still too cold and its the middle of May.
I wish I knew the answer, or at least the direction.....
So, in my sense of empty hopelessness that I am struggling with today, the comfort I feel comes from the same place it always comes from...... in the words of Mr Jimmy Buffett......
"breathe in, breathe out, move on........"
That is the question bothering me today..... does life ever calm down? Do things ever continue just as they are, and as you expect them to? I used to look forward to the twists and turns.... it was a source of excitement and an exhilarating reminder that life is so very unpredictable and fragile.... but for some reason I feel differently now. The twists and turns have left me panic stricken and depressed. I guess its because if it all blew up, I had nothing to lose before. So be it..... drag myself out of the ruble and carry on..... but now things seem different, I feel weighted down and responsible for things and I am no longer just a "me" but a "we" and life that way is so much more complex.
So what to do......
It is the road less traveled that has always fascinated me, and inspired me even if I did not take it. the very thought of it would provoke new ideas and new actions and new adventures within my own world. Even if I didn't venture out to a new continent or occupation as I would like to. And in this process of aging and life changing, I realize I am a bit of a control freak.......and its funny because courage only counts when you are unsure of the outcome..... that's bravery, the unknown circumstance being irrelevant to the action you take. I think it was Winston Churchill who said "True courage is the journey from failure to failure with out losing your enthusiasm." I really like that. It resonates well when you fall on your face a second time in the same situation. I seem to be doing that more often.
I also am starting to wonder..... have I just been going about this life all wrong? ... if that makes any sense... Have I caught up to my depth and my thinking. A friend describes me as a critical thinker.... all the time... always analyzing and evaluating and debating.... and taking things so much deeper than most. She admires it, but I think its one of my greatest flaws. It makes my life harder than someone who operates on the surface and has that "take it as it is" outlook. So I find myself lonely in my thinking, and lonely in my life... not connecting at the same levels and trying to understand those that don't think like I do. So..... was I simply ahead of myself before, and now I'm current? My mom calls me an old soul, saying that sometimes its like I have lived 100 years in my heart and mind in the way I see life.... and I feel like I have, and I feel like I'm done now.
There are very few things that get me through my days, and it seems as those things grow fewer in number as I get older. So maybe I need to create replacements, or is it just time to pick it up and try life elsewhere again.... maybe its my surroundings and the longing to be somewhere else that generates that general malaise and discontent I feel. Maybe its just still too cold and its the middle of May.
I wish I knew the answer, or at least the direction.....
So, in my sense of empty hopelessness that I am struggling with today, the comfort I feel comes from the same place it always comes from...... in the words of Mr Jimmy Buffett......
"breathe in, breathe out, move on........"
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
It was a good run....... I'll miss you.
I have come full circle in Chicago, and I'm
back in the realm of the car-less.
it will be an interesting summer. I'm glad I have a
really nice bike..........(if it doesn't get stolen!)
Here's to 5 good years on the road, and a future on the sidewalk.
Thanks Raven!
Friday, March 21, 2008
In the words of Jimmy Buffett.....
" I gotta fly to St. Somewhere......"
It’s that time of year again….. when the number in my age goes up and the thoughts of “what does it all mean” start to take over my mind all day long. Although this year, there is the wonderful distraction of remembering our wedding, and the disbelief that a year really has gone by. What a week that was…… best wedding I’ve ever been to, but I’m a bit bias I guess.
Maybe it’s the trip to St John….. whenever I come back from that place I feel as though I am living my life wrong….. not in the sense of bad, or poorly, but just incorrectly. Being on that island makes me realize how little I really need to survive, be content, and even happy. I think of what dictates my habits here at home…and I look at the things I spend my money on, which is really a masquerade of what your core values are, and I realize I don’t need half of what I own, and I don’t own much. Most of my possessions I realize are a reaction to some sort of boredom or period of discontent.
Clothing….. I don’t have that much but I certainly have more than I need, and some things I don’t think I’ve ever worn, or have only once….. so it’s the shopping that cures something…. passes the time…. Gets me out but not in the rain or snow…. .. Then there are the computers, electronics, gadgets, huge TV, countless movies and expanded cable, and super-fast internet…. Again, to pass the time indoors while it’s freezing outside, and that’s just to point out a few examples.
In the islands, you are surrounded by such beauty, and have nature and the water to pass your time…. You really need very little in terms of those types of possessions. A few good books and a snorkel, and I really don’t see how that wouldn’t be enough. And clothing…. Of course it depends on your occupation, but the basics are just to cover up, not for warmth and survival, but just enough to be appropriate in public. Here a person requires not only seasonal clothing, hats, scarves, gloves, but just think of the shoes……. We even need shoes for rain, snow, work, walking, summer… it’s crazy to think of the average shoe requirements of someone living in the Midwest. At least to be comfortable year round that is.
Heat and air conditioning, we are so over-product and over-serviced here that we seem to actually believe that we can’t survive without all those things. I know someone who doesn’t have cable….. and it makes me gasp. "How the hell do you live without it?", I think to myself. I didn’t see TV for 10 days while in St John, and I didn’t notice its absence.
Could I live like that here? In a city that has so much going on you couldn’t do it all in a lifetime if you tried something new each day….. could I give up all those distractions and services and conveniences and luxuries and amusements? My guess is no. Because the overwhelming sense of urgency here leads us to believe, no matter how much you fight it, you believe that you NEED those things for basic survival. And the most fascinating part is you really do believe it…. something about the way we all live here….
If you took my cable and my blackberry, I might cry.
If you busted the windows out of my car and gave away my winter boots, I might cry…
If you gave me only access to dial up and ONE computer…. I might cry….
If you closed the store at 9pm and I had only one option for all my shopping, I might cry.
My phone didn’t work on the island……
I wore the same pair of shoes in the water as I did out to dinner (and splurged and purchased one more pair, only because they have beer openers built into the soles!).
The Jeep we drove didn’t have windows…. at all.
The scooter we rented…. well that was just a scooter… no doors, no windows, no heat, etc.
The house we stayed in had no solid walls…. just screens….. all around… no drywall in the entire place, or windows…. No glass…. All screen.
The water ran hot when needed, the stove and fridge did their jobs, the roof kept me dry (majority of the time, depended how hard the wind was blowing).
The thing I realized, and that hit me as I was flying down a 70 degree grade on the back of a scooter with my husband howling in the wind in unbridled joy….. the island takes care of you. The weather warms you in the day and cools you with the wind, it rains just enough to keep the shower running and the toilet flushing, everything around you has the potential to be entertaining and educating at the same time. And you can sit outside at night, watch the sky and the island lights, and it’s a new show each time, and during the day the water and the locals and the tourists, and it’s a new show each time.
The island takes care of you. Whereas here….. the city will eat you alive at the first sign of weakness. It is a challenge of survival every day. It takes the right kind of person to live here, and sustain a life here… and I am very proud of the fact that I have done that, and done it well, and been happy doing it….. but I wonder…. as another year is added to my age, and my marriage turns 1, and my dog and my cat are now friends…… is it time to start living and stop surviving?
So…. As I ponder the significance of our life, and the weekend that is now to be known as the “triple threat” (john’s birthday today, our anniversary tomorrow, and my birthday Sunday)…… I will continue to dream about the day when I get to look at a tourist fresh off the ferry, while admiring their fish-belly-white feet peeking out of their brand new Tevas, smile at them and say with a wink…”stay left, Mon!”
Love to all of you,
Cyn
" I gotta fly to St. Somewhere......"
It’s that time of year again….. when the number in my age goes up and the thoughts of “what does it all mean” start to take over my mind all day long. Although this year, there is the wonderful distraction of remembering our wedding, and the disbelief that a year really has gone by. What a week that was…… best wedding I’ve ever been to, but I’m a bit bias I guess.
Maybe it’s the trip to St John….. whenever I come back from that place I feel as though I am living my life wrong….. not in the sense of bad, or poorly, but just incorrectly. Being on that island makes me realize how little I really need to survive, be content, and even happy. I think of what dictates my habits here at home…and I look at the things I spend my money on, which is really a masquerade of what your core values are, and I realize I don’t need half of what I own, and I don’t own much. Most of my possessions I realize are a reaction to some sort of boredom or period of discontent.
Clothing….. I don’t have that much but I certainly have more than I need, and some things I don’t think I’ve ever worn, or have only once….. so it’s the shopping that cures something…. passes the time…. Gets me out but not in the rain or snow…. .. Then there are the computers, electronics, gadgets, huge TV, countless movies and expanded cable, and super-fast internet…. Again, to pass the time indoors while it’s freezing outside, and that’s just to point out a few examples.
In the islands, you are surrounded by such beauty, and have nature and the water to pass your time…. You really need very little in terms of those types of possessions. A few good books and a snorkel, and I really don’t see how that wouldn’t be enough. And clothing…. Of course it depends on your occupation, but the basics are just to cover up, not for warmth and survival, but just enough to be appropriate in public. Here a person requires not only seasonal clothing, hats, scarves, gloves, but just think of the shoes……. We even need shoes for rain, snow, work, walking, summer… it’s crazy to think of the average shoe requirements of someone living in the Midwest. At least to be comfortable year round that is.
Heat and air conditioning, we are so over-product and over-serviced here that we seem to actually believe that we can’t survive without all those things. I know someone who doesn’t have cable….. and it makes me gasp. "How the hell do you live without it?", I think to myself. I didn’t see TV for 10 days while in St John, and I didn’t notice its absence.
Could I live like that here? In a city that has so much going on you couldn’t do it all in a lifetime if you tried something new each day….. could I give up all those distractions and services and conveniences and luxuries and amusements? My guess is no. Because the overwhelming sense of urgency here leads us to believe, no matter how much you fight it, you believe that you NEED those things for basic survival. And the most fascinating part is you really do believe it…. something about the way we all live here….
If you took my cable and my blackberry, I might cry.
If you busted the windows out of my car and gave away my winter boots, I might cry…
If you gave me only access to dial up and ONE computer…. I might cry….
If you closed the store at 9pm and I had only one option for all my shopping, I might cry.
My phone didn’t work on the island……
I wore the same pair of shoes in the water as I did out to dinner (and splurged and purchased one more pair, only because they have beer openers built into the soles!).
The Jeep we drove didn’t have windows…. at all.
The scooter we rented…. well that was just a scooter… no doors, no windows, no heat, etc.
The house we stayed in had no solid walls…. just screens….. all around… no drywall in the entire place, or windows…. No glass…. All screen.
The water ran hot when needed, the stove and fridge did their jobs, the roof kept me dry (majority of the time, depended how hard the wind was blowing).
The thing I realized, and that hit me as I was flying down a 70 degree grade on the back of a scooter with my husband howling in the wind in unbridled joy….. the island takes care of you. The weather warms you in the day and cools you with the wind, it rains just enough to keep the shower running and the toilet flushing, everything around you has the potential to be entertaining and educating at the same time. And you can sit outside at night, watch the sky and the island lights, and it’s a new show each time, and during the day the water and the locals and the tourists, and it’s a new show each time.
The island takes care of you. Whereas here….. the city will eat you alive at the first sign of weakness. It is a challenge of survival every day. It takes the right kind of person to live here, and sustain a life here… and I am very proud of the fact that I have done that, and done it well, and been happy doing it….. but I wonder…. as another year is added to my age, and my marriage turns 1, and my dog and my cat are now friends…… is it time to start living and stop surviving?
So…. As I ponder the significance of our life, and the weekend that is now to be known as the “triple threat” (john’s birthday today, our anniversary tomorrow, and my birthday Sunday)…… I will continue to dream about the day when I get to look at a tourist fresh off the ferry, while admiring their fish-belly-white feet peeking out of their brand new Tevas, smile at them and say with a wink…”stay left, Mon!”
Love to all of you,
Cyn
Friday, February 15, 2008
Hello again.......
it seems like a year has passed overnight. I don't know where it went, although I am sure it has something to do with a certain yacht club that I won't mention the name of. I have been married almost a year, and it feels like it was last weekend. I guess I thought my life would change dramatically when I got married..... and it really doesn't. Probably, back in the day when you got married when you still lived in Mom and Dad's house, or fresh out of college..... I am sure your whole life changed but it would have changed anyway, you just happened to introduce marriage at the same time.
I can't for the life of me figure out how people get married at that age..... God bless you if you have and its persevered..... but I can't see how you can possibly know yourself well enough to take that step then..... and now that I am approaching 34 (oh my......) and I realize that you NEVER know yourself that well.... because yourself is a work in progress, and always will be. Its a constant evolution that you can't stop no matter how hard you try. And what you do... the real decision that you are making is a huge leap of faith. You have to feel enough trust, and have enough faith in that other person that you are going to weather the storm, all the storms.... together. No if, ands, buts about it..... together is what you are and together is how you will fumble and careen through life, no matter what. And that, my friends, is the most empowering feeling I have known thus far in life. To know, hands down..... we are a WE and WE will figure it out.
I used to think of myself as a brave person.... but really I was a coward (and God hates a Coward) because I had never had the nerve to put that much faith in another person. That is the ultimate act of courage... to enter into something you can only control half of... that is faith and bravery at its most sincere.
I feel like no time has passed, and yet I feel a thousand years older in my soul. I know that won't make sense to some people, but those people probably shouldn't read much of what I have to say anyway. Its like a thousand years has passed inside me, and I feel things and know things and think things that I never would have before. I see people differently, and I have stopped judging people.... I can't recount how many times I heard "you've known him how long.... and you're getting married!!?!?" and I know I thought that or said that to someone before... but it is true.....that you know, hands down, no doubts, you know. I have heard people since talk about "cold feet"... and I would interpret that as you really are not sure.... because having know this man for roughly 248 days.... I knew he was my husband. I knew he was my husband on day 3..... but that's just not the kind of thing you really say to anyone but your mom. (she didn't believe me either).
Its just the ultimate epiphany... and its real.... and it takes a hold of you and your almost not really in control of yourself at that point. its a beautiful, horrifying surrender to all that is right, and logical and sensible.... and its the greatest moment of your life.
My wedding day is the most remarkable, wonderful, amazing 16 hours I have ever experienced in my life thus far. I think of it when I am sad, angry, stressed.... anytime i need to be redirected to what life is really about.... and I think of the lights of the stip in Las Vegas, and the look on the faces of my family....
and my only friend in the world there, Lucia..... looking like she can barely contain herself because she is so grateful I found someone that loves me back....
and my Dad's smile when we are getting ready to walk down the aisle.... and I know he thought he would never get to be here, in this place, with this daughter.... and he was so wonderful, and I was so proud to be given away by this man who I am such his daughter.
And to see my mom's face...... she gets this look like she can't sit still, and it takes all she has to keep from jumping up and grabbing me (and John) and hugging us until our faces turn red and we can't breathe..... and she is so happy.... happy for me, and happy for all the nights she listened to my cry and think my world was ending ..... and its now just beginning..... and she knew all along... but was quietly patient until I figured it out for myself. And my sister standing up there, I know she never thought she would get to do that...
and Uncle Frank and Aunt Muncie..... the most wonderful and constant extension of my family... Munice who sat on the floor in the bathroom of the hotel, trying to figure out the best way to bussle my dress.... and carrying around a bag full of "what if I need" items that I really never did end up needing.... and without Frank's relentless picture taking, I would have no record of that week other than the few photos the chapel took... he immortalized that day and it means the world to me that he thought enough to take as many pictures as he could. its all we have.
And Jeaner...... eyes full of tears for this girl in a dress that made her life so hard for so long.... and she is crying with joy for me, and for what lies ahead of me....
And Pokey.... who got a pocket full of Corona....walked me to the bathroom all evening to ward off the Las Vegas stalkers... and stayed until the bitter end to make sure John and I had a way back to our hotel.
And Brynnie and Dave...... Brynnie, whose gushing enthusiasm is so contagious that you can't help but feel so happy and excited around her... and its genuine, which is rare... combined with Dave's (aka "Big Time") sense of humor and affinity for Petrone.... well how can you NOT have fun.....
And of course, John. The most wonderful, inexplicable gentleman there is...... you are the most significant encounter of my life, and I am so very fortunate that you (with the help of my mom ;)) made it all possible, and permanent..... by asking the question at 5:50am that Sunday morning in February looking over a frozen Monroe Harbor..... "will you marry me"..... I waited 32 years for you, and I look forward to twice that again together.
I can't express my gratitude...... to each and every one of you that made that trip.... and played such a significant role in that day. I wish I had the words, or knew what the gesture was supposed to be......but I am at a loss, becuase I don't think anything I did or said would ever be enough to explain what it meant to me, and what i will always feel for that event in my life. Thank you all, and I know this is coming a year too late...... but I hope you know, and I hope you knew then........
And that is how I am feeling.... as we approach a year passed..... and I am still bursting with the excitment and emotion of that day..... as I hope I always will.
I love you all, and I thank you for sharing that day with me, no matter how far you had to travel, you will never know how grateful I am.
All my love
Mrs Penello
it seems like a year has passed overnight. I don't know where it went, although I am sure it has something to do with a certain yacht club that I won't mention the name of. I have been married almost a year, and it feels like it was last weekend. I guess I thought my life would change dramatically when I got married..... and it really doesn't. Probably, back in the day when you got married when you still lived in Mom and Dad's house, or fresh out of college..... I am sure your whole life changed but it would have changed anyway, you just happened to introduce marriage at the same time.
I can't for the life of me figure out how people get married at that age..... God bless you if you have and its persevered..... but I can't see how you can possibly know yourself well enough to take that step then..... and now that I am approaching 34 (oh my......) and I realize that you NEVER know yourself that well.... because yourself is a work in progress, and always will be. Its a constant evolution that you can't stop no matter how hard you try. And what you do... the real decision that you are making is a huge leap of faith. You have to feel enough trust, and have enough faith in that other person that you are going to weather the storm, all the storms.... together. No if, ands, buts about it..... together is what you are and together is how you will fumble and careen through life, no matter what. And that, my friends, is the most empowering feeling I have known thus far in life. To know, hands down..... we are a WE and WE will figure it out.
I used to think of myself as a brave person.... but really I was a coward (and God hates a Coward) because I had never had the nerve to put that much faith in another person. That is the ultimate act of courage... to enter into something you can only control half of... that is faith and bravery at its most sincere.
I feel like no time has passed, and yet I feel a thousand years older in my soul. I know that won't make sense to some people, but those people probably shouldn't read much of what I have to say anyway. Its like a thousand years has passed inside me, and I feel things and know things and think things that I never would have before. I see people differently, and I have stopped judging people.... I can't recount how many times I heard "you've known him how long.... and you're getting married!!?!?" and I know I thought that or said that to someone before... but it is true.....that you know, hands down, no doubts, you know. I have heard people since talk about "cold feet"... and I would interpret that as you really are not sure.... because having know this man for roughly 248 days.... I knew he was my husband. I knew he was my husband on day 3..... but that's just not the kind of thing you really say to anyone but your mom. (she didn't believe me either).
Its just the ultimate epiphany... and its real.... and it takes a hold of you and your almost not really in control of yourself at that point. its a beautiful, horrifying surrender to all that is right, and logical and sensible.... and its the greatest moment of your life.
My wedding day is the most remarkable, wonderful, amazing 16 hours I have ever experienced in my life thus far. I think of it when I am sad, angry, stressed.... anytime i need to be redirected to what life is really about.... and I think of the lights of the stip in Las Vegas, and the look on the faces of my family....
and my only friend in the world there, Lucia..... looking like she can barely contain herself because she is so grateful I found someone that loves me back....
and my Dad's smile when we are getting ready to walk down the aisle.... and I know he thought he would never get to be here, in this place, with this daughter.... and he was so wonderful, and I was so proud to be given away by this man who I am such his daughter.
And to see my mom's face...... she gets this look like she can't sit still, and it takes all she has to keep from jumping up and grabbing me (and John) and hugging us until our faces turn red and we can't breathe..... and she is so happy.... happy for me, and happy for all the nights she listened to my cry and think my world was ending ..... and its now just beginning..... and she knew all along... but was quietly patient until I figured it out for myself. And my sister standing up there, I know she never thought she would get to do that...
and Uncle Frank and Aunt Muncie..... the most wonderful and constant extension of my family... Munice who sat on the floor in the bathroom of the hotel, trying to figure out the best way to bussle my dress.... and carrying around a bag full of "what if I need" items that I really never did end up needing.... and without Frank's relentless picture taking, I would have no record of that week other than the few photos the chapel took... he immortalized that day and it means the world to me that he thought enough to take as many pictures as he could. its all we have.
And Jeaner...... eyes full of tears for this girl in a dress that made her life so hard for so long.... and she is crying with joy for me, and for what lies ahead of me....
And Pokey.... who got a pocket full of Corona....walked me to the bathroom all evening to ward off the Las Vegas stalkers... and stayed until the bitter end to make sure John and I had a way back to our hotel.
And Brynnie and Dave...... Brynnie, whose gushing enthusiasm is so contagious that you can't help but feel so happy and excited around her... and its genuine, which is rare... combined with Dave's (aka "Big Time") sense of humor and affinity for Petrone.... well how can you NOT have fun.....
And of course, John. The most wonderful, inexplicable gentleman there is...... you are the most significant encounter of my life, and I am so very fortunate that you (with the help of my mom ;)) made it all possible, and permanent..... by asking the question at 5:50am that Sunday morning in February looking over a frozen Monroe Harbor..... "will you marry me"..... I waited 32 years for you, and I look forward to twice that again together.
I can't express my gratitude...... to each and every one of you that made that trip.... and played such a significant role in that day. I wish I had the words, or knew what the gesture was supposed to be......but I am at a loss, becuase I don't think anything I did or said would ever be enough to explain what it meant to me, and what i will always feel for that event in my life. Thank you all, and I know this is coming a year too late...... but I hope you know, and I hope you knew then........
And that is how I am feeling.... as we approach a year passed..... and I am still bursting with the excitment and emotion of that day..... as I hope I always will.
I love you all, and I thank you for sharing that day with me, no matter how far you had to travel, you will never know how grateful I am.
All my love
Mrs Penello
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