" A true friend stabs you in the front..." - Oscar Wilde

At what point do you just give up on personal relationships altogether? I know a few people who have..... they just float along without any emotional attachments whatsoever. Anyone they claim to "know" or that is a "friend" is simply an acquaintance..... but the couldn't tell you the first thing about that person other than what they drink, or where they go to brunch.

I'm teetering on the edge lately.... wondering if friendships are really worth it. Do they ever last? How do you know if its of any substance or not? How can you trust someone? I have met a hundred people in my adult life that I thought either were or would certainly end up to be my friends, and none of them worked out the way I thought it would.

The very nature of people, and maybe this is city people, but they have this blind self-serving reaction to everything. Nothing is done without payback or the intent to owe. No one is who they claim to be. Friendships in the city are almost entirely circumstantial, and very few have any staying power, or are relevant once you have to hop a train or bus, or drive for 30 minutes to see someone.

Its like convenience is the deciding factor. I'm sorry, I don't care if you live across the hall..... friendship IS inconvenient. That's what no one seems to get. Its hard work being someone's friend. In spite of my recent experiences, we are not in high school anymore..... then it was easy, you were all forced all day long into the same building and into the same activities after school, dictating who your friends were for the most part. Now..... unless your roommate is your buddy..... its work to spend time with anything but your cat and coworkers. Leading to another odd city creature.... the "work friend" . Take the two out of the work environment and they not only have nothing to say to one another, but don't even really care for each other's personality. Its fascinating when you realize what really can bond two people who have no reason to have a bond in the first place. Its almost always anger, hatred, prejudice, jealousy....something along those lines....

so... I sit here today and wonder what it is I've exactly done to the world to make almost everyone I encounter all day so full of bitterness and misunderstanding towards me. I guess I have to concede at this point it HAS to be me.... everyone I know can't be wrong about me.... I must have done something, or my personality is somehow just off.... and I will spend the rest of my life a pretty lonely person. I thought I had come to terms with that before, then something seems to get a little better for a while.... then I slip back down... and find myself if the same damn spot. And I'm sick of that spot. I'm tired of being sick to my stomach and planning the next stage of my life in another state with all new people... I'm in a constant state of readiness and impending departure that I don't even know why I have any possessions anymore. Its not what I want, but I sure as hell don't want to feel like this all the time.

Maybe I'm just frustrated, and tired of getting caught so off guard by people I thought I knew and trusted that I'm sick of even thinking about it. I realized today that I have about 5 real friends, and one is a cat and one is my mother. And the irony of the others is that they have no idea how significantly their relationship and interactions with me effect my every day life and moods. But again, maybe its just too much work for them to be what I need them to be..... so who is the bad guy.... I'd have to say me for impossible expectations.

I don't even know how to close this rant..... it probably isn't worthy of any sort of structure or evocative ending of any sort. so I'll just stop.

-Cyn

The Flashback I could have done without......

I used to like high school.... I kind of liked middle school too for that matter. The problem is, I liked it then, but not now..... I'm over it now.... so what do I do now that I find myself surrounded by people who are behaving as though we just started 9th grade.

I am 32 years old and I have never encountered the level of immaturity I did today at my place of employment. That might be ok if I was an 8th grade teacher, or a 4th grade teacher, or a juvenile detention center warden.... but not like this, not in a professional office setting.. and yet it happened. And to tell you the truth, it angered me beyond belief. My heart began to pound and my face turned all red and my mouth went dry and I had to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from screaming back or crying.... all these reactions of course now making me question my own maturity and personal growth and whether or not there has been any over the past 16 years or so..... What drives adults to behave like that? Is it just that that is how we all instinctually are, and as you "grow up" (and I use that term loosely all throughout this essay) so as you grow up you are just taught to adjust your behaviors, its the same as not picking your nose or burping loudly in public.... is it just along the lines of what is learned that as an adult you just don' t do when you could get away with it as a child?

So that brings me even deeper.... what scenario then allows for a person to still be acting that way? Have they ever had any other job? (and in this case I know the answer to be no), have they every had an adult relationship be it a new friendship or a romantic relationship? Do they still live with their parents? And more curious to me is what is the motivator? Is it just more fun to be a malicious brat? I guess it could be, its sometimes hard work to be kind, it certainly takes more will power and intelligence.... so maybe I should pity this person, and feel badly that they are simply too "simple" to behave any other way? I guess I could if it wasn't so evident the joy it was bringing them. That's the kick in the teeth. How a person can actually feel joy in trying as hard as they can to make another suffer. Its almost shocking to me, and it does so every single time I encounter something like that, even in children it stuns me.

I am so grateful to have a true friend at work.... a very intelligent, level headed person who has saved me more than once. And today as I recounted the story and both our mouths were hanging open by the time I was done....and the thoughts only revolving to the ever popular "oh.... snap!" comment..... she looked at me and said "rise above it, you're better than that and you know it". So why do I still want to cry 2 hours later and grab this person by the hair and pull it out by its different colored roots? It may take me a while to figure that out.... but I will. When things like this happen to me, I tend to get oddly excited about what I am about to learn about myself. Not many people go that route, they think they are learning about others, but you never really can do that, the other person is always in control of your perceptions even if neither one of you realizes it..... so I like to go with myself, and see what I can figure out......

and today... I figured out that I am glad I'm no longer in high school, I have more patience than I ever thought possible..... Christie rocks (already knew that though.....) and watching someone burn a bridge, especially one the size of the Mackinac (oh, the irony in that statement).... is painful no matter how you feel about them.

In closing, as as I secretly vent to the select few who read this..... I feel better..... and will clobber her very intent to upset me and sabotage what will still be a great promotion. Jealous woman are frightening creatures, and after today it makes me very glad I don't have to date one.

Love to all of you, and happy weekend.
-Cyn

Impossible expectations.............

Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that.

If you have Love, you don't need to have anything else, and if you don't have it, it doesn't matter much what else you do have. True love does not come by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. Trouble is part of your life, and flaws a part of your character; if you don't share and show it all, you don't give the person who loves you a chance to love you enough.