Pack Rat...... or Memorabilia Enthusiast ??

I am unpacked..... completely... for the first time in my adult life. I was like a machine...... 10 hours..... non-stop just on a mission to sort through, clear out and throw away every ounce of cardboard box in my apartment. And I succeeded.

Some of the things I found .... I had letters from high school. Not kidding, not cards, or significant documents, but letters that were passed to me in who knows what class talking about "so-and-so's hair and how badly she pegged her pants and what was for lunch that day or are we going to Gordy's for hostess in the Ranger instead of gym class" kind of notes.... and you know what? They were awesome! I loved reading them. It took me back 15 years to a place I loved. Most people can't really say they loved high school, but I was a lucky one. It was great, my friends were close and life-long (although I didn't know it at the time), my family was full and supportive, my home was wonderful and comfortable, my town was quaint and fun.... when I look back at my childhood, I can't think of a single complaint. I'm sure I had them in the midst of it all, but I was a very fortunate girl, and I hope I knew that somewhat at the time.

But.... it goes beyond notes... I found things I have no idea what they were, what purpose they had, where they originated.... Things I've carted around for over 14 years.. and I have no idea why. Just to name a few, some familiar, some totally foreign... And I am not ashamed to say... most of this stuff I kept!

• 5 Bubbalicious wrappers stapled together
• a rock
• my softball jersey from senior year
• my basketball uniform from 8th grade
• tap shoes
• a phone book from Mason & Oceana County from 1995 (it has Batman and Bruce Wayne listed)
• my prom tiara (yes, I wore it for a while and did laundry, oh... what a moment.... )
• every single prom, homecoming, formal whatever dance photo ever taken at Pentwater High
• several Pez dispensers
• a box of Hardy Boys playing cards
• a giant, poofy, velvety, hair scrunchy ( I threw it out due to the embarrassment at viewing it all alone)
• my class ring (which actually has the name "Beast" on it)
• every certificate for anything I ever did
• track medals for events I have no recollection competing, but apparently excelled, in
• a Paula Abdul cassette tape
• rainbow shoelaces
• Every concert ticket stub I ever had (including but not limited to: Milli Vanilli, White Snake, Adam Ant, Culture Club, Cyndi Lauper, Eddie Money, Def Leppard, and multiple Bon Jovi's to name a few
• A really dark almost purple lipstick, circa 1989
• lots and lots of fake gold jewelry
• all my report cards (A nursery school progress report stating I have good "motor skills" and "shares well"
• friendship bracelets made of yarn that were so dirty I think they could have started the Bird Flu here in the states
• a diary that often refers to a few people I have absolutely no recollection of
• McDonalds gift certificates that expired in April 1991

Just to list a few things I found.....

Sadly, I did make the choice to purge most of the notes..... after hours of reading, remembering, laughing really hard, and a few "who was this person?!" moments... I filled a large garbage bag, and said "thank you for my life" to whoever may be listening and sent most of them down the garbage shoot, with a big smile on my face.

As I shed a brief and almost surprising tear at the act of junking my documented adolescents, I began to realize I have NEVER been this unpacked.... since the days of those notes being passed. Never in my life have I been free of a packed box in a closet somewhere. And I was stunned. And I tried to figure out the motivation.... and as I sat and cleaned and folded laundry and thought.... I realized its the "home" syndrome. I feel like I'm home again for the first time in over a decade. Where that comes from, I have not fully investigated yet. But I'm sure it has to do with a comfort of sorts, and a sense of stability and happiness in where you are and who you're with. And I found that, and I knew it before I actually realized I knew it. I wouldn't have spent 10 hours unpacking everything if I had any sense of reservation about my life, my apartment, my partner, and where its all going.... I really surprised myself. Funny how when you let your logic go, sometimes your body and mind will take on a task that really means something, really has a purpose beyond its practicality or necessity, and when you take a moment to stop and realize what you just did, you can also see how you feel in your actions.

It was a fascinating day, and I am so grateful for my life, and to be who I am, and to be surrounded by the people I am, and most of all..... to realize it. So I start this Tuesday with a pile of empty boxes, a sore neck and back, and a full heart.

Thank you to everyone who is a part of that. And thank you to my new "roommate" for having the patience to help me open my eyes to the possibilities....... when I have kept them so tightly closed for so many years.

Love to all of you,
Cyn

Where it all began.......

Where it is now........

Where it's all going....

I think only Grace knows for sure.

(and she's not telling me anything!!)

Full circle in the city........

From 3515 North..... to 3505 South..... I've moved and starting again in what feels like an entirely different city. The view is the same, its just to the north now instead of the south.

As with every transition in my life, I have a lot to say, but don't have the time yet to do it justice. The emotions and thoughts I have experienced in the past 30 days are almost too much for me to process. It's one of those "who would have imagined this would be my life" kind of moments. So much has changed, and although its all for the better, I have to catch up with my thoughts, and have yet to do that. Its uncertainty that tends to slow me down. I get caught up in the logistics of getting things done... then when things are actually done.... I let out this deep breath and have nothing else to focus on and am forced to let it all in.

Introspection is a dangerous game when you only play it with yourself. Its better to have someone to bounce things off of, but that's just not my way. So this will be my sounding board over the coming months..... and for those of you who often express a sadness to what I write, please keep in mind that all that is written here is simply thought..... not fact. Writing here is my way of having a conversation with myself so to speak.... its a cleansing that I decided to do, and allow all of you in on.... in hopes that at the end of the posting you will feel you know me a little better than you did before you got to the page. It's terribly unsettling at times, to have such private feelings out here, but I made the choice when I moved far away, that this is my alternative. I don't see most of you or even talk to you that often, so at risk of "over-sharing".... its my way of still being in conversations with all of you for more than just the weather and "how have you been?".


I just wanted to say hello, and that I am so happy about the turn my life has taken this summer. I look forward to writing again... and really writing the way I was meant to... because now my heart feels full again, and I've come back to the little girl who can't wait to wake up every day....just to see how often I can laugh, and make someone else smile, and be so very grateful for those I love, and that love me back.

Love to all of you,
-Cyn

Coming home to a place you love.... or coming home to the person you love.......

I'm 32 years old and I have just now figured out that the word "home" is about a person, not a place. I never realized there was really a difference until today. Although I live in a beautiful apartment.... I would be just as happy coming home to an ice shanty if that same person was sitting in there waiting for me.

Life in Fast Forward......

What is the natural pace to life…. is there one? should there be one? How do you pace yourself? And if you do try, do you end up just pacing? Back and forth… like a caged animal that knows its existence is wrong, that there should be something more but you just can’t get to it, or won’t get to it. I sometimes wonder about the simple inertia of a life, and how it actually is a living breathing thing all on its own. How much do we control, and how much do we just roll with it, and let the events and people surrounding us influence our direction. Behind every action, every choice, every forward progression there has to be a motivator, an intent that comes from within you. Otherwise…. Life is just happening to you, and you’re not really living it. I suppose that’s ok for some people, its effortless and requires very little foresight, and eliminates regret and accountability. But then again, whose life are you living…. yours or the shadow of someone else’s?

It’s a catch 22 to live life in fast forward. It’s the road I’ve always seemed to take. It can be so terrifying, enlightening, exhilarating, and confusing….. but in a beautiful way. Sometime you get smacked down… and really hard. So hard it takes your breath away and you wonder if you’re going to make it….. but you always will. And the times you don’t get beat there is a sense of victory that can’t be duplicated. The knowledge that you made it against all odds and logic and rational thought… and you succeeded anyway, simply because you took a shot. That is success like no other, when you come out on top when the rest of the world tried to discourage and stop you. Its finding an invincibility of your soul that makes the leaps possible. Sure your heart gets broken, and disappointments abound, but when it works….. you breathe deeper and see clearer and feel invigorated… and that’s what life is….a string of emotions and memories that will carry you through your days waiting to see what the next moment might bring to you. The only thing I can think of that would be worse than bad memories, is no memories at all…..

And so with no one to talk to right now and have one of those "state of the union, what does it all mean" type conversations.... that's just what I was thinking about tonight. I have a friend that tells me "when you talk to your blog more than you talk to anyone else... its time to get off the porch". But tonight.... its the porch for me.

Love to all of you,
Cyn

Just looking through some pictures,

and this one put a smile on my face.

(me, Dad & Bek)
I miss you guys.

It's interesting to me how powerful your perspective can be.... and how easily that can change. The things you sometimes think are so significant, and so important can just fade away when you take a look from another angle. I have realized very recently that the basics are perspective and priorities... those seem to make up most people's every day lives and how they live them. I try to wonder about how mine have changed over the course of my life, and think about where they might be a decade from now.

I'd rather see the world from another angle. I have been granted situations that allow me to do that from time to time. To think about what's important, and why. To realize how precious every single second here really is, and how spending a day unhappy and unfulfilled is just crazy......

I guess what's on my mind is being true to myself for the choices I make.... stop second guessing because things may not make sense to the rest of the world. It's ok to be a little bit terrified...... and what a wonderful fear that grabs your insides and let's you know your alive. Seems funny to fear yourself, but trusting your own choices can be difficult when you have no idea what may happen. Your heart tends to embrace, and your head protects. But come what may...... and so it all comes back around to the chances you're willing to take, and the courage to investigate all the opportunities presented to you, especially the ones that just don't make any sense. Sometimes those are the greatest victories. I am so grateful for all my mistakes, and the choices I have made that didn't necessarily go the way I wanted them to.... because they brought me to this place...to this day.... to this moment in my life....which is a beautiful moment.

Pick your path, and walk your truth..... and the world will come around to you.

Today was a really good day.
Love to all of you,
Cyn