Happy New Year !!

Too busy.... too much going on...... I'll get back to posting soon.

Have a safe and happy new year everyone.

love,
Cyn

When I feel lost and empty, I gravitate towards things that effect me right down to my core, the soul-shaking beauty of life that rattles me no matter how much I try to fight it. Things that I can barely type without fighting back tears..... but good tears.... effected tears.....the kind that don't make you feel sad, just alive and so glad to be.

music is probably the most powerful influence on me in that way.... songs and the lyrics are the best form of poetry. so here are some that don't seem to leave my head lately, and that make me feel better about a world that sometimes seems to be caving in....

The heart may freeze
or it can burn
The pain will ease
if I can learn
There is no future
There is no past
I live this moment as my last

There's only us
There's only this
Forget regret
Or life is yours to miss
No other road
No other way
No day but today

I can't control my destiny
I trust my soul
My only goal is just to be

There's only now
There's only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
No day but today...

I don't know what this post is..... I'm sad, angry, clueless, old, frustrated, busy, and fat....... all at the same time and I'm not happy about it.

I wish there existed an optional lobotomy of sorts, where you can erase things you know. My head is filled with information I don't want to have anymore. I need my own eternal sunshine of the spotless mind (if you haven't seen it, rent it, it will change the way you feel about your memory). That's my problem, I never forget anything, and I have seen, heard, stumbled upon things I don't care to ever think of again.

I'm suspicious of all things human right now. You can't trust anyone, they all have their own personal agendas, and motivations, and they have the nerve to twist their deceit into something that makes sense to them. Accountability and honesty are very rare commodities in people these days. It makes me try to go through my day without talking to anyone. I'm so glad I have my cat.... she may look at me and growl and hiss and dig her claws into my forehead when I piss her off, but at least I know exactly where I stand with her at all times. People make you guess, and I tend to guess wrong.

Tis the season to be merry..... but no one seems to remember why. We all struggle over how we can't afford christmas gifts, or you don't know what to get someone, or the traveling and the weather.... but Happy Holidays!!! It's the season of the bipolar.... one minute your throwing back the eggnog and laughing with coworkers you were bad-mouthing wednesday, and the next you're crying that all the playstation 3's are gone and that's all your boyfriend really wanted so now what do you do? I can't take the roller coaster, it makes me dizzy.

Life is fast, and unmerciful, and confusing. There are moments when I don't think I have the emotional fortitude to do life. And I wonder why and how I seem to be the only person on this planet that ever feels that way....... but maybe I'm just the only one that ever says it out loud.

For those of you that worry when my writing turns dark, please don't. If this never happened here..... then be worried. If it doesn't come out, it stays in, and I would someday explode RPG style on the poor Dunkin Donuts staff member for not giving me enough sugar. No one wants to see that. So please, stuff your worries in a sack and don't waste them on me......I'm fine. I'm stronger than most people can possibly fathom, you can't and won't break me. I can be sad, angry, clueless, old, frustrated, busy, and fat all at once and still be fine......and if you really know me, that's what makes me beautiful.... right Mom?

In the words of LL Cool J.......
Peace out G,
-Cyn

The Ghost of EVERYTHING past.......

I wish this could be exclusive to Christmas, but its not. ......

Your life follows you. And in ugly, inopportune ways. I think going forward I'm going to do things mafia style, and hire a "cleaner" to come in and literally wipe portions of my life away. As we transition from jobs, apartments, lovers, friends, whatever it may be..... there is a trail, even if it ever so slight, it exists. It could be in the simplest form of a note or a card left in a drawer for years on end..... to the extreme "I (heart) Jane" tattoo you so eagerly had scrawled on your forearm when you were so head over heels in love in your youth. These things matter. They effect each and every person that will drift in and out of your life until your last day.

Sometimes they are a sort of storybook to your life for the new person, and can be terribly misleading. Its unfortunate that we all tend to draw our own conclusions for lack of bearing witness, and in doing so the truth gets bent and skewed to a point where we may even confuse the person whose life it actually is. Recounting my life is not something I wish to do. Its unnecessary and can in no way end in a positive "whew...I'm really glad you told me all about your relationship with that guy" comment. Its the inevitable train wreck that is each of our lives, filled with carnage and one derailment after another, some minor and some significant. And they happened, and denying or trying to justify or explain them is a futile exercise in the progression of any relationship.

My dad once told me that if there wasn't going to be a positive outcome to disclosing something, don't say it. I have mixed emotions on this one..... Disclosure is key in trusting someone, and when you hold back you might as well lie.... but there is some value in knowing not only what to say, but in how you deliver information that may be difficult for someone to hear. I am the queen of saying the wrong thing. Initially, I speak from my gut.... not my heart, that would tend to be more eloquent, but deep down in my stomach where everything churns and hurts and frustrates.... and then it flies out of my mouth in a less than candy-coated manner. I am not proud of it, but its honest and I am proud of that. I have an immediate response to almost everything, and that creates the back-peddle. I hate the back-peddle. And then there are the people who when you ask them something, there is a 3 minute silence while they think of how to respond. This drives me crazy, albeit they are the smart ones. The longest silences of my life, are those spent waiting for someone I love to answer a difficult question. But, as I said, they are the smart ones. They take the time to craft a response, which then makes me wonder how honest their answer really is. If I could keep my mouth shut, and take a moment and think of what to say instead of blurting the truth, I would have saved myself a lot of miserable conversations and sleepless nights.

All in all, I can now see why people got married at 19 and just stayed that way. There are no skeletons, no deep dark secrets, no exes to deal with, nothing to trump you and your current station in your beloveds life. I'm 32..... and I'm sick of climbing out of holes left by past loves, or trying to surmount the glacier that was the relationship. And it saddens me beyond description to know I'll never be any ones first love, or their most significant love, or their first anything for that matter...... and knowing that can make any love you give seem pointless sometimes.

So today as I'm feeling sorry for myself and crying all over my meeting agenda, I need to find a way to conduct the exorcism...... get rid of the ghosts... start over with the hope that they can't haunt me forever.

All I can do is resolve to put the loss of being first behind me, and try to be someones last......

On a lighter note......
to lighten the mood on the page, and share some tropical memories with those who were there with me......

Top 10 things I learned "down Island" (the last time I was down island, which was much too long ago)

10. Most people do not share my fondness for hermit crabs and lizards

9. Contrary to popular studies, an Iguana will in fact chase you when aggravated

8. Don't grab something at the bottom of the swimming pool just because you don't know what it is

7. Try not to consume 4 hard boiled eggs and a pint of chocolate milk in 2 minutes at 7:30am prior to snorkeling

6. Convincing yourself that your job will be magically better when you return does more harm than good

5. If you fall asleep in the sun when in the company of anyone under the influence of Cruzan Rum (or just Pokey in general), be prepared to handle the consequences

4. Cruzan Rum with Dr. Pepper does NOT taste "OK"

3. Never let a friend "take your car to the store" when you are out of town

2. Don't poke a barracuda with a stick

1. A person can live on conch fritters and Caribe just fine

As always..... good times,
-Cyn

Time for Advice.....

In the spirit of the holiday season, I need those older and wiser to chime in on this one, and offer up your experience and advice.

I find myself terribly frustrated and confused lately..... and the topic is trust. Where does it come from? Can you create it from nothing? Do you start out with it and lose it, or do you have to earn it and keep it? Clearly its a choice a person makes.... to trust someone with their heart, their skeletons and deep dark secrets, their life...... all things vulnerable. I seem to have some sort of malfunction when it comes to trusting people....I can count on one hand the people I truly trust. I'm curious how it comes so easy for most people, or at least seems to.

Can you really, truly trust someone? Or do you just resolve to not care about the things you can't control, or don't know about? I am a firm believer in what you don't know can definitely hurt you. It seems the older I get, the more people find ways to candy-coat the truth, or beat around the bush, or simply omit things and then they have themselves convinced that they are not lying, but just not disclosing everything there would be to tell. Omission is a lie. Holding back is lying. And don't get me started on semantics and how you may twist a situation into something its not so that you have a favorable story to tell. Dishonesty makes my stomach ache..... all the time. Deceit gives me that almost ready to throw up feeling 24/7, and there is no way to get rid of it. I would rather have someone punch me square in the nose than lie to me. But unfortunately, or fortunately depending how you feel about that statement, its simply not in my control to have that choice.

I wish I knew what the answer was....... Because I'll tell you, that punch in the nose sure does hurt a lot less.

-Cyn

"Nelson, rookie veterinary assistant,
takes Muffin's temperature."

( no reason....... just Happy Friday!)