HAPPY HALLOWEEN !!!
Halloween in Chicago.....
more specifically, Halloween in "Boys Town", Chicago. I've never worn a wig before... and Bek's hat, however cute and perfect for the costume, proved to be a bit of a hindrance to those partying the night away at Roscoe's. It was a good conversation starter though....." oh, pardon me, did my hat just poke into your eyeball?" or "oops, sorry, did my hat just snuff out your cigarette?". Lesson learned, I think that hat was a party foul. Just like Christian's sorcerer staff.... the stainless steel giant cobra head was exactly teeth level to those of us under 6'3", and he almost rendered me toothless about a dozen times. But after 5 or 6 double Jameson on the rocks, he may have done that anyway.....
I think a good time was had by all, with the exception of the guy who chose to wear only a fig leaf..... at least it was sort of warm out that night.

So what did we learn?
1. Consider your choice of headwear and how it may effect those around you.
2. Christian can drink like a 400 lb. sailor, not a 130 lb. gay model.....
3. Wigs keep you very warm.
4. and finally, White Castle really does taste better at 3am.

Thanks Bek & Christian, and all the boys in "boys town" for a memorable evening.
Good times my friends!
-Cyn

We have a problem.... I have to drive past White Castle on the way home from acting class at 10:00pm. That could be dangerous.

If you ever think you are a brave, out-going person.... take an acting class. You will soon learn the truth.
Good times!

Have a great weekend all.
-Cyn

The World Series trophy is on its way to Chicago.... and I think the city is still in shock. Congrats South Side.
I am a bit disappointed in the division of Chicago during this Series.... the North side was way too quiet last night. No one yelling in the streets, I didn't experience any random high-fives while walking to 7-11 after the game was over.... the bars in Wrigleyville were subdued, and that was a let down.

Then I watched the news coverage of the Series, and they went to the parking lot of Comiskey (I'm sorry, but I refuse to call it "the Cell", its Comiskey Park and always will be Comiskey Park, no matter who donates what millions to put their tacky, commercial, consumer sales motivated name on a ball park.... it borders on sacrilegious and is probably the biggest embarrassment to the 21st century as of yet.) so the cameras are on the parking lot and the Sox fans, and all they kept saying was "take that Cubbies" or something of that nature. And I am thinking to myself... what the &^%* ? Don't we all pay taxes, and parking tickets, and eat at the same places, and battle the same traffic, and live together in the same city?

Then I was told by some people who were born and raised here (and need to get out and experience other things on this planet, in my opinion) that I "didn't grow up here, and you don't know what its all about!". So of course I took mild offense to that and said "you're right, I didn't grow up here in mommy and daddy's house that I just moved out of and now live down the street in uncle Joe's attic and have never lived, worked, or vacationed more than 10 miles from the house I took my first step in..... no, I moved here alone scared to death without a savings account and found a job and an apartment within 2 days, and 6 years later here I am still doing my thing in this city all alone....." that seems to keep them quiet for a while.

But I've lost track.....
I for one, am happy for Chicago today, all sides of Chicago, and would like to say as a proud North sider
Congratulations White Sox! And to Ozzie Guillen, I don't care if you have kids, as long as they call me Aunt Cyndi, and not Mom, we'll be just fine.....

Thanks for the call last night Jen.... you know what I'm talking about, and that's why I love you!

Thats it for now... happy days in Chicago.
-Cyn

Sorry... I've been busy, which is a good thing.

14 innings of baseball is just too much.

Life has been good this week.... hope you are all doing well.

Go Sox!!

That's it for today.....

That and I now have a crush on Ozzie Guillen... only because he talks like Scarface and the Godfather, while bearing a slight resemblance to Ponch.

Today is a new day.... I have realized that whether its a good or a bad one is really up to me now.

We feel sadness, confusion, anxiety, when we don't stand behind our own actions and decisions. Have you ever done something and the second you did your stomach tied in knots? That's the uncertainty of things. That's the lack of faith you put in yourself and in whatever you just did. That's how you know you weren't ready. its your body telling you to slow down..... and feel your decision instead of just think about it. Our hearts and minds are rarely on the same page. But its when they are that we can be our most confident, most effective, and most at peace with ourselves.

your life is a living thing all its own. Yes, it somewhat belongs to you, but it runs its own course. you can do your best to steer, and maneuver around the big stuff that can hurt.... but I think sometimes is running head on into something with no give that you learn the most. Humans are arrogant creatures, its what separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom. we think we are so superior because we can reason..... Its my opinion that a life based on reason is a pretty boring place to live.

Have you ever watched kids play in the hose in the summer? Its one of the best examples of real life...... They stand in it and scream and run out... then they run right back in and scream, and their whole body tenses up.... they stand on their tip toes and squirm and giggle. A adults we look at this and think they are nuts.... why the hell would you stand in that freezing water over and over again? They do it not analyzing if it feels good or bad.... but because it just simply feels . and that's what being alive is all about. we are privileged enough to be here and have the capacity to wonder why... and to take advantage of all those emotions that make us human. As you grow up you are taught to stifle those things, and the world beats the child out of you year after year. I guess it truly is easier to behave and think like a "grown up", but if we learn to use the best of both those worlds, that's when we become the best people.

I had a musician friend who wrote songs, and one line from one always stuck out to me, and every time I start to feel like I am losing touch with my insides I say it to myself (and put on the Xanadu soundtrack and dance like an idiot around my living room, but that's beside the point..) the verse is this:
"Little dances, imagination, and a phony friend.... the tools we should not have put away"

Where my life goes from here... I can't say....... I will hurt when I need to and do so without self pity, and I will have fun and laugh when I have the opportunity without guilt. I won't worry about where it may go.... but I will do my best to guide it while listening to my phony friend, and what is inside of the person I am still growing to be.

So today, that's what I learned.... again....

Today is a bad day....

how do people find hope? what makes a person able to get up every day and just ignore whatever they are going through? Maybe most people just never hurt.... you have to really care and give of yourself to really hurt, so maybe most just don't go that far and that is how they wake up as if nothing ever happened.
But even more than that, how do you just not miss someone? Even if they drove you crazy, when someone is in your life every day for years, how do you NOT feel that absence at all?

I wish I was one of those people.......

Thank you Bek for the snail mail, it helped more than you know.

Thank you Pokey for the email clip..... made me laugh out loud.

Thank you Tommy for taking a minute out of your day to make me smile.

Thank you"d." comment poster person for communicating.

Thank you Muncie for the emails, they keep me going.

And Thank you Mom for calling me every single morning and night for the last 12 days just to make sure I'm hanging in there.

This is what I do with my time....
this is how I entertain my cat, and myself.
Have you ever crawled into a collapsible laundry basket? I didn't think so, its way more fun than you'd think!

Stop judging me..... I'm hanging on by a very thin thread here.....

Enjoy the picture.... Grace had fun, that's what counts.
-Cyn

Just a quick thank you to those who visit me here.....

Communication is a funny thing. Its so simple these days with so many avenues, and yet some people do it less and less. So to those who comment, or email, or if you're just reading... I thank you for sharing these bits of my life with me. It means more than I could ever explain.

And Tommy..... I'll call you when I'm ready for a marketing consultation.

Thanks, cheers to all,
-Cyn

A life is like a river
it will go where it can, and where it must
but not always where you want it to.

the important thing is to know when to paddle hard upstream
and when to float freely down.....

always keep your head above the water
and take in everything the path has to offer.

TO MOM: First of all, I need to say thanks Mom, for rescuing me this weekend. It may not have seemed like it at the time, but you saved me in more ways than you know, and the boo-man too. There was a very definite turning point in my life when I was 21, and every day after that I have realized that I would not have made it this far without you. Just when I think I have encountered something that I simply don't possess the strength to overcome..... you show up. and oddly enough, it all still hurts like hell, and I want to sleep forever to avoid the misery... but there is something I can't explain that keeps me here and trying, and its something in you. If I ever figure it out, I'll let you know.

I feel badly for people that don't have anything like that. Sure everyone has their own personal degree of suffering, and to each is the worst misery, and that can't be judged by another. but there is a huge difference between being so miserable you want to die, and being so miserable that you feel you need to die. that is the difference in those that make it and those that don't. A person can have some perspective when it comes to their desires, but not so much when it comes to what is necessary to their existence, or lack there of.

SIDE NOTE FOR TODAY:
In my recent life restructuring....I found myself thinking of all the things that only I have a connection to, and how grateful I am to have those things that don' t remind me of someone in my past......

I find myself so thankful for the things that are just mine..... like my cat. she hates everyone but me, and even those she has slightly let in, she kept them in line when they went too far. but I can't go too far. she chooses to let me and only me all the way in, and that makes me happy. and my mom's dog Buster.... there are very few people that can even pet him, and I even get wrunkle face.

I am thankful for the places that are just mine....
- a certain rock on the pier in Pentwater
- a spot on a particular street in Chicago
- Mackinac Island
- my room at Round House in St. John
- the deck of the Pentwater Yacht Club
- the drive from Chicago to Grand Rapids
- the amtrak train
- the bahai temple
- the drive through the north shore
- Maine
- Yesterdog
- the streets of east grand rapids
- in front of Muncie & Frank's fireplace
just to name a few

Sure I have shared some of these things/places with others, but the core of them and their initial existence in my life were either with me alone, or with someone I trusted completely, and that let them be mine instead of infiltrated with memorys of a combination of me and someone else. I wonder how many people have these things? I am sure everyone has them, but how many recognize them?

So today, instead of agonizing over everything I see that evokes a lost love and a painful memory, I will try to notice everything that doesn't. Its not easy and its not much, but the wounds are still open, and its the best I can do for today.

Grace fell in the toilet last night, then came and slept on the bed..... I didn't know what happened until morning. Good times......

The summer is over.... and so is my relationship. I feel like a leaf..... old and dead. A new phase in life. Days and nights all to myself, once I find out who that is again. We give up so much of who we are to be with other people... or maybe that's just me. I need to figure that out.

I got a new couch today..... amazing what sitting on a really good piece of furniture can do for you. I never thought much of it until I look back at 5 years of life with a standard futon, and now I see the light.

So the rest of my life starts now.... and it will be completely different when I wake up tomorrow, and I am not sure what to do with that. Habits are hard to break. Talking to someone 10 times a day for 20 months.... then stopping... its like a death I guess. you just have to let it happen to you, and pick yourself up each day and wait for it to get easier. I know I've done it before, but still every time its the worst feeling in the world... and they just keep getting harder than the last time. maybe that's my age... who knows.

I had a beer in a bar with a friend at 3pm on a Monday today... don't think I have ever done that before. The first day of my new life.... guess it could have been worse. Thanks Christian.

I am tired of the tests.... I am tired of the omissions...... I am tired of the dishonesty...... I am tired of teaching boys to grow up and getting left behind in the process. I'm 31 and I am just tired.
Maybe tomorrow will look better. A friend told me recently that today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday, and all is well.....

with all my heart and soul I hope she is right.

I don't understand people. 99% of the time I feel like an alien. I can barely grasp the language spoken by others, much less try to figure out what motivates people to behave the way they do.

Sometimes I wish I was born a hundred years ago..... when a handshake and your word meant something... when being faithful and having a sense of loyalty were actually GOOD characteristics and not weaknesses.....
when people worked as a team, and shared visions, and were motivated by just being decent to each other....
when life was somewhat simple, and there was honor in almost everything you had to do each day......
when your days were governed by survival and happiness instead of money, power, and vanity.....

I am so incredibly conflicted by the society I have to exist in that some days I think my head might implode.
People are so hung up on appearance and money and status that they have lost their humanity. It takes a lifetime to figure out who you are and what purpose you serve this planet. And if any one of you thinks your purpose here is more valuable than the next guys, you're crazy. You need to stop thinking about what can you gain today, who can you beat today, and start thinking how do you effect each living thing you come in contact with... and if you can't find anything positive in those encounters... for the good of all of us, stay in your living room and order delivery! I don't' want to see you out here.... life is hard enough. The selfishness of people, and the complete lack of any shred of integrity.... makes me sad and it makes for a lot of very lonely evenings.

I wish someone could explain to me how I am built so much differently.... what chip am I missing so that I am hard-wired to listen to my heart and my gut instead of my brain. Its just not in my make up to be any other way. I wish it was, life would be so much easier.

So... for the greater good I will get that book finished that will enlighten the soul-lacking masses and get them all back to being humans. The trick is getting them all to actually read it..... where is Oprah when I need her....

I don't have much to write about lately, at least not anything worth reading....

Life seems hard right now.... and this city is really lonely. How can you be in the middle of 3 million people and feel so alone? Doesn't make sense to me. Sometimes I think about moving to a tiny island village, live in a one room hut and pour drinks at a counter on the beach. But then I realize I would be even farther away from those I love, and remember how much I hate bugs.... and the dream fizzles.

So I will stay here in my over-priced "vintage" one bedroom in the city with only my cat and fish to talk to.... and wonder what life would be like if I just had some nerve.