100 things you may, or may not, know about me......

1. My favorite color is jungle camo
2. I often feel like every single other person I have ever known is crazy (does that mean I am?)
3. I have been on weight watchers for 6 weeks
4. I have been starving for 6 weeks
5. I miss dance class (flashback starting in 1984)
6. My cat is the one thing on this planet that I feel I can relate to the most
7. I don't really like to drive
8. My dream job is to be a published author, and continually write a column
9. I hate laundry
10. I secretly, or not so secretly, hate where I work
11. I could probably live on noodles for the rest of my life
12. My favorite beverage is diet coke
13. I keep clothing I've had since high school, thinking I may fit into it again some day
14. I find it very hard to read and learn something I have no interest in
15. I may never finish college
16. I long for a day where I am debt free so that money is not a factor in every step I take in life
17. Debt is my biggest regret, and biggest source of stress and sadness
18. I miss my mom a lot
19. Moving to Chicago was the most terrifying and best thing I have ever done
20. I like being called "wife"
21. I never thought I would get married
22. I prefer shower to bath
23. I have chosen apartments solely for my cat
24. I have had 9 apartments in 10 years
25. I have no idea what my natural hair color would be today
26. I wear contacts
27. I use a paper Franklin planner, and will freak when they stop making them
28. I have very few real friends
29. It's very difficult to embarrass me
30. I wore the same shoes to work for 2 yrs, until Christie yelled at me to get some "girl"shoes
31. I have a "girl"shoe addiction, and handbags, shoes and handbags
32. Cake is better than pie
33. I love getting snail mail still
34. I don't think my vote ever actually matters
35. I could live on an island in a treehouse (think Nim's Island) and be happy
36. I couldn't live without music
37. I am much less sensitive than people think I am, and sometimes seem mean because of it
38. I make a wish at 3:23 every day (3/23 is my birthday)
39. I don't think I will live very long
40. My wedding reception was the most fun I've ever had at a party
41. I wish my head was bigger so I looked good in baseball hats
42. I wish my butt was smaller so I looked good in clothing (and without)
43. I like apartment life and don't understand why people own homes
44. I wish my family would visit me more
45. I am terrible at keeping in touch on the phone
46. I refuse to use powder creamer, and will skip coffee if my only option
47. I once at 3 Big Macs in one sitting (high school)
48. I have gained 30 lbs since high school
49. I secretly hate Facebook and all those "social" sites
50. "Ishmael" by Daniel Quinn is my favorite book... life changing
51. "Instinct" is one of my favorite movies
52. I have a freakishly powerful memory, I remember almost everything
53. I'm very skilled at 80's & 90's useless trivia
54. The older I get, the more I wish I could change society
55. I hope to float away on a boat when I'm old
56. I make enormous life sacrifices for my pets, and always will
57. Most people don't really like me
58. My best friends live hundreds, and one thousands, of miles away
59. I sleep with 3 pillows, and can't sleep if I have less than 3
60. My biggest fear right now is my building catching on fire and I can't get Vegas and Gracie
61. If I make cookies, I eat the dough and never a cookie
62. The big city has made me weary but fulfilled
63. I fear small town life
64. I get very nervous when there are no people around
65. I wear plastic press on nails ($5 a box) and have for 5 years, everyone thinks salon $$$
66. I applied for a dog handler position in Chicago and was rejected due to "lack of qualifications"
67. I get headaches often, so bad I want to poke my eyes out with a fork
68. I would never hire someone with the same first name as me
69. I love early mornings, but never get up for them
70. I don't need as much sleep as I actually spend sleeping
71. I like to cook, but am really bad at it
72. If I could change one thing about myself, I would have a beautiful singing voice
73. I am addicted to US Magazine
74. I don't trust people would never cry, dance, or sing in front of me
75. I'm always cold
76. I watched "Captain Ron" every night before I went to sleep for a year (late 90's I think)
77. I find Chevy Chase to be one of the funniest people to ever live
78. I love to argue (debate) but find most people don't like it
79. I can be really, really bossy
80. I am learning to like vegetables
81. I have never bought a dress because I just wanted to.... always had a reason
82. I belong to 3 professional organizations, and like working with them
83. I want to live on a sailboat someday
84. I haven't listened to the radio in over 10 years (cds and ipod...)
85. I have very little grasp on what "cool" is these days, and find I don't care
86. Jimmy Buffett music will always change my mood if needed
87. If I could meet one person from history, it would be Jesus, to get his side of this BS.
88. If I could meet one famous person now it would be Jimmy Buffett
89. If I had a college degree, I would change careers
90. There is a very, very long list of what I would do if I had a college degree
91. I can't sing, but I do as loudly as I can every opportunity I have
92. I love watching my documentaries
93. I look for those moments in people when they talk about something and light up
94. I find people to be very business oriented, and not so much "human" anymore
95. Being deeply in love is the most terrifying feeling
96. Trust is everything
97. I could watch the Shawshank Redemption every day and not get sick of it
98. I love and hate my Blackberry
99. I think I'm funny.... funnier than most people. I'm the funny friend
100. I never thought I would get to 100 on this post.....

It's official.... I am exhausted. And I never use that word. I hate that word... it almost implies you have given up, nothing left... just done. And now I feel myself thinking it more and more. I have not had 5 minutes to myself in months. Always somewhere to be, someone to see, something to do..... I just want to sit home and NOT be expected somewhere. I am tired of disappointing someone every weekend by being expected elsewhere, and if I were to change plans, someone else would be disappointed anyway.

Life is confusing enough... and I thought I was doing the right thing, but there comes a point when you have to take care of yourself too. Not that I haven't enjoyed my weekends visiting family and friends, but 10,000 miles in 4 months is a lot of road to cover, and I'm just tired. I'm tired of being in the car, and tired of not being able to squeeze everyone in, and tired of knowing I've let someone down, or forgot someone, or broken plans and the time didn't go as far as I'd hoped. And by the end of it I get home just in time to go to sleep so I can get up and devote my next 5 days to job and a dog and a cat and a household that wears me out even more.

So to anyone I have not seen enough, broken plans with, went to city A when I was supposed to go to city B, left earlier than originally planned, stayed one place too long or not long enough...... etc... etc... I'm sorry I can't keep up. I hope all those who feel slighted will forgive me. I did my best and I will be here in Chicago if you need me.

And so it begins....

That long spell of nothing between Mac races that makes me question my "station" in life... Its the post-mac depression that sinks in every August, filling me with "what does it all mean" and thoughts of taking a backpack and running away to some island (not Mackinac, something warmer!) and just living. A new life, a new start, a new scene, just new.... brighter, better, warmer, more meaningful... as if that was out there and I just haven't made the right turn yet.

Its a funny thing when you realize you need substance. You need your days to mean something and your daily efforts to effect someone in a positive way... and I only feel that about 8 days a year, and that's just not enough. Some people can put the same peg in the same hole 10 hours a day for 40 years, but I am not built that way. And not to belittle that peg in the hole, its a part of the bigger picture and that person is making something, but I find that I need to be closer to the forefront of the effect.... to connect with those effected.

Cause and Effect.... its a miraculous thing to watch a child start to notice the partnership... and I guess I need that out of my every day life. Maybe that's why I love sailing, and learning how the wind effects the boat... and the realization that sometimes you just can't control what direction you're going and how fast you will get there. And that's what the race proves to us every July... Its a nice slap in the face to mankind, those that think they have harnessed all that Mother Nature has to offer up... then suddenly Lake Michigan turns on you and shears your mast clean off your deck..... just to remind you who the boss really is. The arrogance of man.... but I digress, that's another rant for another day.

So now... as I'm working on a Saturday getting ready for a million of my closest friends to converge on the lakefront in Chicago and inhibit my every move home.... I'm reflective of the faces of all those sailors, and all the hours on the water... and all that gratitude for uttering the simple phrase of "welcome to the island, Sailor". The smile from ear to ear, and the pure joy of the rum drink after 80 hours on the water.... that's why I do what I do... for those faces, and those sailors, and that commitment to the water and the spirit and competition....

.....and the occasional rum drink on a tiny little island in Michigan. 364 days and counting.... is it July again yet?

Why "long pants with pockets" really ARE a necessity!

For those of you not around at the time, or don't remember, when I was a little kid and just out of the Onsie stage of clothing and could put a sentence together, it seemed VERY important to me to have"long pants with pockets". Always referred to the same exact way, and long pants without pockets just didn't fly.... it was a necessity and a very serious requirement in my life. I am not sure if I really went into detail as to why.... at 4 years old, did I need pockets?

Well.... this morning... I found out why one needs pockets.

So... life in the city with a "dog run" for a building of 200+ units... comes out to roughly 50 or so dogs (if the last mandatory dog owners meeting was a proper showing). In the dog run are baggies and a garbage can for the dog waste, for those of us that pick it up, which I do.

This morning, NOT wearing long pants with pockets, I take Vegas out and she does her business and I pick it up as usual..... keys and key card in hand, dog leash, and baggie of dog poop... I walk over to the designated garbage can, and throw it in.... I throw it ALL in.... everything in my hand. Keys, key card for back door, and baggie... all goes into the giant receptacle of dog crap marinading in the morning sun in the tiny dog run. It gets emptied about every 3 or 4 days, and today is probably day 3.....

I considered just taking Vegas to work with me, and not having to think about what I just did, but the Jeep keys are lost in a steamy can of crap...... so I'm forced to deal.

The large fence between our parking lot and the free world prohibits me from acquiring a stick that I might dig them out with, and not having any keys or way to get back into my apartment limits my "tool" quest. So... shrugging my shoulders and holding my breath.... I am forced to reach in and retrieve my keys and key card... manually. I least I could still maintain a visual on them.... so the digging was limited.

I'm not sure I am ready to fully talk about the experience, and I will be running my keys and key card through the dishwasher immediately upon arrival at home this evening. They are on the floor in my office right now, not in my purse, and have been sprayed with Lysol and drenched in liquid hand sanitizer... but I still don't feel better.

So.... the moral of the story... always.... ALWAYS..... wear long pants with pockets! I knew it at 4 years old... and should have just stuck with it. Kids... sometimes they really do know best.

It was Jimmy Buffett who said "as long as you're in motion.... life is an experience and it's meant to be lived." I often think of that saying, and a thousand others I've read or heard him sing about, but that one tends to resonate with me a little longer than most.

If you're thinking "why?".... its because I realize I'm not too often "in motion", at least not that kind, not the right kind that he is talking about. I run about my days at a back-breaking pace, and drive with all brakes or all gas (chicago style) and I rush through the grocery store and I rush through the bank and parking lots of my life.... but I stopped looking around and listening years ago. My life has become a blurr of must-do's and need-to-buy's and very little of it encompasses any joy.

What's the point you ask? My point is that you can be fiercely in motion but going absolutely no place.... you can even be going backwards at a break-neck speed, and just because you feel exhausted at the end of the day, you think you have accomplished something.

This brings me to one of my other favorite sayings from my Jimmy.... he once said in an interview... "I'm not a great singer or a great guitar player... but I'm a great Jimmy Buffett!" What a revelation..... to realize that the most important thing you can be is yourself, and be great at it. So few people know who they are, and even fewer actually BE who they really are. My dad once told me when I was not writing much and feeling bad that I wasn't a well known author at the ripe old age of 24..... he said "Hemingway was not a great father or husband.... to be truly great there is a balancing act that you have to master." That made me think about who I was, and more importantly, who did I want to be?

It's an occupational hazard of Americans to be defined by their jobs. All their self-worth and happiness is so commonly wrapped around a business card, a pay check, and a "station" in life. What if your station in life was just to be a good person? What if your station in life was to be a good husband or wife, or parent or sister/brother/ friend.... what if that job that you went to all day long just served its purpose to make sure you could buy food and afford shelter and maybe a few "fun tickets" and rum drinks here and there. What if we all decided that THAT was the new way it was to be? That society was to undergo a great transformation and all priority reverted back to just being a decent human being. What if we were to focus on what the Dahli Llama himself once said to be the "meaning of life".... he said " be happy and be useful". If you approach each new day with just those two tiny goals in mind....you will lead a positive and balanced life.

All too often the way we earn a living and the things that make us happy just aren't in the same hemisphere. If you're one of the lucky ones (Jimmy Buffett for example.....for the extreme example) then you have most of us beat, and be grateful. But its those of us that forget, or better stated, forsake the rest of our lives for those pay checks, no matter how big they are, that are the majority.

I think..... its time to change.

I spent a few years as one of those people... and it made sense to me at the time. But its put me in a position where I am constantly trying to make up for lost years over a weekend. And you just can't do that. My Aunt Muncie once said "half of life is showing up". I wasn't sure I got it as simply stated as it was.... but in the last year of being generally unhappy but not knowing it, and reflecting on my last decade.... she is absolutely right. If you don't get it, as I didn't at first...... take a look at it this way.... at the end of the day, or night, or life..... when you're sitting alone in whatever brief moments of solitude you are able to steal from this chaotic age, what do you think about? Most of you are going to say "work" but let's push that aside... and what do you think about. Its really easy.... you remember things. That's all your brain is, a mosh pit of memories and recollections of times, places, people, and experiences. So... imagine for a moment that you just never showed up to anything that wasn't work.... now what do you have to think about? Grocery stores, gas stations, checking the mail, TV and computers.... but those things aren't life. They are by products of a civilized society that we have to experience from time to time. For those of you thinking.... "so what?" Imagine those quiet moments filled with images of that time John filled Pokey's coat pocket with Corona at O'Shea's on the Vegas Strip after our wedding reception...... or the first time Vegas (dog, not city) went swimming at Muncie & Frank's lake...... or that one time on the sail boat when it was raining the straightest rain I'd ever seen and the lake was like a piece of glass and Dad and I couldn't have been having a better time soaking wet..... or when Christie and Gerald said "I do" and how good the cake was..... or when grandma just made cookies.... or when Uncle Van told that really funny joke that you can't seem to remember, but you remember laughing really hard with your family... What if your mind was filled with those moments? And your job, that "station" in life, just faded out of your mind for that time because it was filled with so many other wonderfully colorful moments with people you love. That is what Muncie means.... and I get it now. I wish everyone did.

The best part about life is that you actually can control it. Not its duration, but its quality. You will always have a job.... but you won't always have a grandparent, or a parent, or that dog, or that husband/wife..... everything leaves someday, maybe you are first, but everything moves on from here and not treating every day and every person you love as if that is the case could just be the greatest travesty of man kind. To take a living thing for granted is a crime against nature, that scars the soul of the one who loves you and just wants to be loved back. It was an argument I had at 23 years old when I was so frustrated with a relationship that I found myself screaming through a face full of tears..."love is an action not an emotion"... needless to say I received a blank stare and almost a chuckle from my opponent at the time. But I still find it to be true. You can say " I love you" until your vocal chords need replacing.... but its what you do to exhibit that that is how you feel that makes it official. And and interesting irony to that, if you manage to do that properly and often enough, you will find that the need to actually say the words all but disappears. Because the other person will know, without a doubt, that they are loved. Sure we all like to hear it... but I will tell you that NOT NEEDING to hear it, is actually a better feeling.

So as I ponder what the next phase of my life will be.... I know that I will show up, and that I will take action, and no matter what means it is that I feed myself and pay for shelter. I will lose some people along the way, those that just don't understand and that can't break out of their "stations" in life.... and I wish them luck. But those that I will fumble through life with, and that will show up for me as I will show up for them.... I have one promise to make out loud, so that you all can help hold me to it when you see I'm off course.... I promise to be happy, I promise to be useful.... and I promise to be who I am, no matter what.

Paintball.... in the sticks of Illinois. Good times!

What a day.... I haven't had that much fun, or been that sore, in a long time.

Things that annoy me......

I'm very irritable lately. Not sure why, maybe its the weather and I have a cabin fever or sorts. Whatever it is, I find myself biting my lip to not scream at people who say/do simple things....and I'm going to list them here as a way to vent.

People that say "vacay" instead of using the full word vacation
People that say "parm" instead of Parmesan
Apparently most shortened versions of words bother me......

Drivers who break in the middle of a curve... you break BEFORE the curve (if you have to) and accelerate through it... don't they know they have almost zero control while breaking through a curve.... get off my street!

Women who are OK with knowing absolutely nothing about cars

Photos of clothing online that look nothing like the item you actually receive after ordering

People getting paid 5 times what I do even though they can't write or spell

People that disable spell-check

When my dog will not sleep in line with us at the foot of the bed... she has to sleep the opposite direction. Its like having a second grader stretched out at your feet! She's not that small anymore

Gracie!

Flossing my teeth... its the same thing... every night... over and over and over....

When you get your car detailed, and 3 days later you can't tell

Red light cameras that take your photo even when the light is green... and you panic to yourself thinking "this is all a conspiracy" and think the city is just out to get you. it usually is.

$100 running shoes that won't stay tied because they have fancy-ass laces

Women who are applying make-up in the gym locker room..... BEFORE they go work out

My job....

Trying to be sarcastic over email.... and realizing that the other person doesn't get it....

Running out of mustard two bites shy of finishing that corndog

Trying to put ketchup on your hotdog in Chicago and having the entire hotdog stand sneer at you in disgust

Fake people.... if you don't genuinely like me, don't talk to me. I won't cry. I promise I'll be fine.

People that can't talk about anything but their kids. No matter how old the kid is.... its ALL they can talk about.

Narrow minds

People that were born in the US, their parents were born in the US, and they still can't speak english to save their lives. ASSIMILATE.... or leave.

Funnions. gross.

People that eat Funnions on public transportation.

When I do the laundry, washing something that is covered in Gracie hair, thinking washing it will get all the hair off, but instead it comes out with high density concentrated little balls of Grace hair stuck all over it. And stuck like they are sewn on... with her fine little hairs woven so tightly into the fabric of said garment that I actually hold it in my hand and talk myself out of throwing it directly down the garbage shoot.

Snow flurries

Below 40 degrees

Going up a pants size

Dog hair ingrained in my bed linens

Our new mattress.... BACK ACHE

When you're talking to someone, and you can tell they are lying or with holding something, and you give and give and give opportunity to come clean, and they keep skirting around and it gets worse and worse and worse until you have written that person off in your head but then they are still talking to you like you're friends..... that never goes well.

People who can't parallel park

The amount of sugar my husband puts in his coffee

The fact that even though there is a coffee spoon next to the coffee pot, he gets a new one each day so that by Friday morning when I get up there are 5 coffee spoons all on the coffee spoon dish... Does he not see them?!

Myself....lately I just annoy myself.

Thanks for listening.