Just looking through some pictures,

and this one put a smile on my face.

(me, Dad & Bek)
I miss you guys.

It's interesting to me how powerful your perspective can be.... and how easily that can change. The things you sometimes think are so significant, and so important can just fade away when you take a look from another angle. I have realized very recently that the basics are perspective and priorities... those seem to make up most people's every day lives and how they live them. I try to wonder about how mine have changed over the course of my life, and think about where they might be a decade from now.

I'd rather see the world from another angle. I have been granted situations that allow me to do that from time to time. To think about what's important, and why. To realize how precious every single second here really is, and how spending a day unhappy and unfulfilled is just crazy......

I guess what's on my mind is being true to myself for the choices I make.... stop second guessing because things may not make sense to the rest of the world. It's ok to be a little bit terrified...... and what a wonderful fear that grabs your insides and let's you know your alive. Seems funny to fear yourself, but trusting your own choices can be difficult when you have no idea what may happen. Your heart tends to embrace, and your head protects. But come what may...... and so it all comes back around to the chances you're willing to take, and the courage to investigate all the opportunities presented to you, especially the ones that just don't make any sense. Sometimes those are the greatest victories. I am so grateful for all my mistakes, and the choices I have made that didn't necessarily go the way I wanted them to.... because they brought me to this place...to this day.... to this moment in my life....which is a beautiful moment.

Pick your path, and walk your truth..... and the world will come around to you.

Today was a really good day.
Love to all of you,
Cyn

I wish I was as smart as I thought I was…….

Its’ funny when you learn things about yourself, and the nature of how your mind works. It doesn’t seem like something you can control, although you certainly have the power to. It’s almost an unconscious power that you have to force yourself to be aware of in order to exercise it. I wish I could harness that, without having to think so intensely about it.

Point being……. How does a person get to that total control over thought and emotion? I know people like that…. And it floors me. There are times when I don’t feel like I have a choice in how I am feeling, but I do. It’s that very thin line that exists when you are angry… and what comes out of our mouths but “you MADE me mad!”… No…. they didn’t. You made the choice to be mad in reaction to what has just occurred. No one can make you anything…. It’s all a choice you are making whether you realize it or not.

So how do we get a handle on that? Anyone I have ever asked that does seem capable of it always shrugs their shoulders and has no idea what I’m talking about… which leads me to think they really don’t realize it, and that its simply that they don’t care enough, about anything, to have any sort of reaction at all. To have a reaction to something… anything… you have go give a rat’s ass, right? Otherwise, you simply ignore it. So second part of the question is can you train yourself to NOT care? I’ve seen people do that as well…. usually some life altering tragedy aided the process, but nevertheless, they just stopped caring about most anything. I’m jealous of that at times.

I need to think about this some more… and figure out what my goal question is to figure out. I just know that for now…. I’m getting in my own way a lot of the time, and life takes turns that I find myself not knowing how to react to, or handle. I am ok with not know how to handle it….that’s a simple part of growing, and learning, we never stop doing that and I hope to never get to a point where I think I know how to handle everything, that means I’ve stopped evolving and that would be sad. It’s not knowing how to react that scares me… because that means something in me isn’t functioning on a true level, its holding back, or dying, or being subdued by my brain… and that’s no way to live. Constant internal conflict is a soul’s time bomb….. and I need to get rid of mine.

Love to all of you,
Cyn

I've been thinking a lot about relationships, or at least the pursuit of......

For some people, there exists a promise of greatness in love that motivates our every move. The time it takes to accomplish this is different for each one seeking that very rare blessing, which you may or may not obtain in a lifetime….. so what is it exactly that drives it… what is it exactly that creates a connection between two human beings who have no natural bond? What factors are at work internally to generate those attractions? The complicated part is that it is a different thing for each individual. For some it’s the physical element, purely an aesthetic issue to be drawn to someone. Usually where it starts….. but what grows, or conversely dies, from that point is the connectedness that we all strive to figure out. It puts life in fast forward when you have an emotional attachment to another human being….. when that person consumes your every thought and movement. Life changes focus in love, and yet it sometimes creates a blind spot so vast that you will inevitably annihilate yourself by a course of self destruction. It’s a fierce, soul-shaking pain to not be allowed to love with all your heart and soul. Whether it be by simple incompatibility, or mistakes you make on the way, or being denied the option from the object of your affections, or infatuations, whichever your specific predicament.

What a fascinating adventure….. to make the choice to put yourself completely out there to another person. No guarantee of anything but the adventure itself, and a story later in life to tell…. Tragic or otherwise, what a beautiful tale to be able to tell. Some don’t posses the courage….the emotional fortitude to take the chance. What a sad place to live, in hiding of the extremes, be it pure unbridled joy or horrific immobilizing pain….the full spectrum that can only come from a great love or a great loss. My greatest frustration is where does the fear come from? Almost always it’s a reaction to a past experience, disabling the possibility of the next one. We trudge through life, learning as we go and hanging on to each and every occurrence as though it is some sort of internal law within our own minds….killing a bit of our spirit each time. Only those that learn to unlearn can truly experience life. It’s a pretty simple choice really, yet so few people make the attempt.

So really, what it all boils down to is simple courage….. and without that, we are all on the long road to emotional mediocrity…….and nothing more. For me, I choose the adventure...... wherever it may take me.

-Cyn