Today is a new day.... I have realized that whether its a good or a bad one is really up to me now.

We feel sadness, confusion, anxiety, when we don't stand behind our own actions and decisions. Have you ever done something and the second you did your stomach tied in knots? That's the uncertainty of things. That's the lack of faith you put in yourself and in whatever you just did. That's how you know you weren't ready. its your body telling you to slow down..... and feel your decision instead of just think about it. Our hearts and minds are rarely on the same page. But its when they are that we can be our most confident, most effective, and most at peace with ourselves.

your life is a living thing all its own. Yes, it somewhat belongs to you, but it runs its own course. you can do your best to steer, and maneuver around the big stuff that can hurt.... but I think sometimes is running head on into something with no give that you learn the most. Humans are arrogant creatures, its what separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom. we think we are so superior because we can reason..... Its my opinion that a life based on reason is a pretty boring place to live.

Have you ever watched kids play in the hose in the summer? Its one of the best examples of real life...... They stand in it and scream and run out... then they run right back in and scream, and their whole body tenses up.... they stand on their tip toes and squirm and giggle. A adults we look at this and think they are nuts.... why the hell would you stand in that freezing water over and over again? They do it not analyzing if it feels good or bad.... but because it just simply feels . and that's what being alive is all about. we are privileged enough to be here and have the capacity to wonder why... and to take advantage of all those emotions that make us human. As you grow up you are taught to stifle those things, and the world beats the child out of you year after year. I guess it truly is easier to behave and think like a "grown up", but if we learn to use the best of both those worlds, that's when we become the best people.

I had a musician friend who wrote songs, and one line from one always stuck out to me, and every time I start to feel like I am losing touch with my insides I say it to myself (and put on the Xanadu soundtrack and dance like an idiot around my living room, but that's beside the point..) the verse is this:
"Little dances, imagination, and a phony friend.... the tools we should not have put away"

Where my life goes from here... I can't say....... I will hurt when I need to and do so without self pity, and I will have fun and laugh when I have the opportunity without guilt. I won't worry about where it may go.... but I will do my best to guide it while listening to my phony friend, and what is inside of the person I am still growing to be.

So today, that's what I learned.... again....