The summer is over.... and so is my relationship. I feel like a leaf..... old and dead. A new phase in life. Days and nights all to myself, once I find out who that is again. We give up so much of who we are to be with other people... or maybe that's just me. I need to figure that out.

I got a new couch today..... amazing what sitting on a really good piece of furniture can do for you. I never thought much of it until I look back at 5 years of life with a standard futon, and now I see the light.

So the rest of my life starts now.... and it will be completely different when I wake up tomorrow, and I am not sure what to do with that. Habits are hard to break. Talking to someone 10 times a day for 20 months.... then stopping... its like a death I guess. you just have to let it happen to you, and pick yourself up each day and wait for it to get easier. I know I've done it before, but still every time its the worst feeling in the world... and they just keep getting harder than the last time. maybe that's my age... who knows.

I had a beer in a bar with a friend at 3pm on a Monday today... don't think I have ever done that before. The first day of my new life.... guess it could have been worse. Thanks Christian.

I am tired of the tests.... I am tired of the omissions...... I am tired of the dishonesty...... I am tired of teaching boys to grow up and getting left behind in the process. I'm 31 and I am just tired.
Maybe tomorrow will look better. A friend told me recently that today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday, and all is well.....

with all my heart and soul I hope she is right.