TO MOM: First of all, I need to say thanks Mom, for rescuing me this weekend. It may not have seemed like it at the time, but you saved me in more ways than you know, and the boo-man too. There was a very definite turning point in my life when I was 21, and every day after that I have realized that I would not have made it this far without you. Just when I think I have encountered something that I simply don't possess the strength to overcome..... you show up. and oddly enough, it all still hurts like hell, and I want to sleep forever to avoid the misery... but there is something I can't explain that keeps me here and trying, and its something in you. If I ever figure it out, I'll let you know.

I feel badly for people that don't have anything like that. Sure everyone has their own personal degree of suffering, and to each is the worst misery, and that can't be judged by another. but there is a huge difference between being so miserable you want to die, and being so miserable that you feel you need to die. that is the difference in those that make it and those that don't. A person can have some perspective when it comes to their desires, but not so much when it comes to what is necessary to their existence, or lack there of.

SIDE NOTE FOR TODAY:
In my recent life restructuring....I found myself thinking of all the things that only I have a connection to, and how grateful I am to have those things that don' t remind me of someone in my past......

I find myself so thankful for the things that are just mine..... like my cat. she hates everyone but me, and even those she has slightly let in, she kept them in line when they went too far. but I can't go too far. she chooses to let me and only me all the way in, and that makes me happy. and my mom's dog Buster.... there are very few people that can even pet him, and I even get wrunkle face.

I am thankful for the places that are just mine....
- a certain rock on the pier in Pentwater
- a spot on a particular street in Chicago
- Mackinac Island
- my room at Round House in St. John
- the deck of the Pentwater Yacht Club
- the drive from Chicago to Grand Rapids
- the amtrak train
- the bahai temple
- the drive through the north shore
- Maine
- Yesterdog
- the streets of east grand rapids
- in front of Muncie & Frank's fireplace
just to name a few

Sure I have shared some of these things/places with others, but the core of them and their initial existence in my life were either with me alone, or with someone I trusted completely, and that let them be mine instead of infiltrated with memorys of a combination of me and someone else. I wonder how many people have these things? I am sure everyone has them, but how many recognize them?

So today, instead of agonizing over everything I see that evokes a lost love and a painful memory, I will try to notice everything that doesn't. Its not easy and its not much, but the wounds are still open, and its the best I can do for today.