Hello again.......

it seems like a year has passed overnight. I don't know where it went, although I am sure it has something to do with a certain yacht club that I won't mention the name of. I have been married almost a year, and it feels like it was last weekend. I guess I thought my life would change dramatically when I got married..... and it really doesn't. Probably, back in the day when you got married when you still lived in Mom and Dad's house, or fresh out of college..... I am sure your whole life changed but it would have changed anyway, you just happened to introduce marriage at the same time.

I can't for the life of me figure out how people get married at that age..... God bless you if you have and its persevered..... but I can't see how you can possibly know yourself well enough to take that step then..... and now that I am approaching 34 (oh my......) and I realize that you NEVER know yourself that well.... because yourself is a work in progress, and always will be. Its a constant evolution that you can't stop no matter how hard you try. And what you do... the real decision that you are making is a huge leap of faith. You have to feel enough trust, and have enough faith in that other person that you are going to weather the storm, all the storms.... together. No if, ands, buts about it..... together is what you are and together is how you will fumble and careen through life, no matter what. And that, my friends, is the most empowering feeling I have known thus far in life. To know, hands down..... we are a WE and WE will figure it out.

I used to think of myself as a brave person.... but really I was a coward (and God hates a Coward) because I had never had the nerve to put that much faith in another person. That is the ultimate act of courage... to enter into something you can only control half of... that is faith and bravery at its most sincere.

I feel like no time has passed, and yet I feel a thousand years older in my soul. I know that won't make sense to some people, but those people probably shouldn't read much of what I have to say anyway. Its like a thousand years has passed inside me, and I feel things and know things and think things that I never would have before. I see people differently, and I have stopped judging people.... I can't recount how many times I heard "you've known him how long.... and you're getting married!!?!?" and I know I thought that or said that to someone before... but it is true.....that you know, hands down, no doubts, you know. I have heard people since talk about "cold feet"... and I would interpret that as you really are not sure.... because having know this man for roughly 248 days.... I knew he was my husband. I knew he was my husband on day 3..... but that's just not the kind of thing you really say to anyone but your mom. (she didn't believe me either).

Its just the ultimate epiphany... and its real.... and it takes a hold of you and your almost not really in control of yourself at that point. its a beautiful, horrifying surrender to all that is right, and logical and sensible.... and its the greatest moment of your life.

My wedding day is the most remarkable, wonderful, amazing 16 hours I have ever experienced in my life thus far. I think of it when I am sad, angry, stressed.... anytime i need to be redirected to what life is really about.... and I think of the lights of the stip in Las Vegas, and the look on the faces of my family....

and my only friend in the world there, Lucia..... looking like she can barely contain herself because she is so grateful I found someone that loves me back....

and my Dad's smile when we are getting ready to walk down the aisle.... and I know he thought he would never get to be here, in this place, with this daughter.... and he was so wonderful, and I was so proud to be given away by this man who I am such his daughter.

And to see my mom's face...... she gets this look like she can't sit still, and it takes all she has to keep from jumping up and grabbing me (and John) and hugging us until our faces turn red and we can't breathe..... and she is so happy.... happy for me, and happy for all the nights she listened to my cry and think my world was ending ..... and its now just beginning..... and she knew all along... but was quietly patient until I figured it out for myself. And my sister standing up there, I know she never thought she would get to do that...

and Uncle Frank and Aunt Muncie..... the most wonderful and constant extension of my family... Munice who sat on the floor in the bathroom of the hotel, trying to figure out the best way to bussle my dress.... and carrying around a bag full of "what if I need" items that I really never did end up needing.... and without Frank's relentless picture taking, I would have no record of that week other than the few photos the chapel took... he immortalized that day and it means the world to me that he thought enough to take as many pictures as he could. its all we have.

And Jeaner...... eyes full of tears for this girl in a dress that made her life so hard for so long.... and she is crying with joy for me, and for what lies ahead of me....

And Pokey.... who got a pocket full of Corona....walked me to the bathroom all evening to ward off the Las Vegas stalkers... and stayed until the bitter end to make sure John and I had a way back to our hotel.

And Brynnie and Dave...... Brynnie, whose gushing enthusiasm is so contagious that you can't help but feel so happy and excited around her... and its genuine, which is rare... combined with Dave's (aka "Big Time") sense of humor and affinity for Petrone.... well how can you NOT have fun.....

And of course, John. The most wonderful, inexplicable gentleman there is...... you are the most significant encounter of my life, and I am so very fortunate that you (with the help of my mom ;)) made it all possible, and permanent..... by asking the question at 5:50am that Sunday morning in February looking over a frozen Monroe Harbor..... "will you marry me"..... I waited 32 years for you, and I look forward to twice that again together.

I can't express my gratitude...... to each and every one of you that made that trip.... and played such a significant role in that day. I wish I had the words, or knew what the gesture was supposed to be......but I am at a loss, becuase I don't think anything I did or said would ever be enough to explain what it meant to me, and what i will always feel for that event in my life. Thank you all, and I know this is coming a year too late...... but I hope you know, and I hope you knew then........

And that is how I am feeling.... as we approach a year passed..... and I am still bursting with the excitment and emotion of that day..... as I hope I always will.

I love you all, and I thank you for sharing that day with me, no matter how far you had to travel, you will never know how grateful I am.

All my love
Mrs Penello