" A true friend stabs you in the front..." - Oscar Wilde

At what point do you just give up on personal relationships altogether? I know a few people who have..... they just float along without any emotional attachments whatsoever. Anyone they claim to "know" or that is a "friend" is simply an acquaintance..... but the couldn't tell you the first thing about that person other than what they drink, or where they go to brunch.

I'm teetering on the edge lately.... wondering if friendships are really worth it. Do they ever last? How do you know if its of any substance or not? How can you trust someone? I have met a hundred people in my adult life that I thought either were or would certainly end up to be my friends, and none of them worked out the way I thought it would.

The very nature of people, and maybe this is city people, but they have this blind self-serving reaction to everything. Nothing is done without payback or the intent to owe. No one is who they claim to be. Friendships in the city are almost entirely circumstantial, and very few have any staying power, or are relevant once you have to hop a train or bus, or drive for 30 minutes to see someone.

Its like convenience is the deciding factor. I'm sorry, I don't care if you live across the hall..... friendship IS inconvenient. That's what no one seems to get. Its hard work being someone's friend. In spite of my recent experiences, we are not in high school anymore..... then it was easy, you were all forced all day long into the same building and into the same activities after school, dictating who your friends were for the most part. Now..... unless your roommate is your buddy..... its work to spend time with anything but your cat and coworkers. Leading to another odd city creature.... the "work friend" . Take the two out of the work environment and they not only have nothing to say to one another, but don't even really care for each other's personality. Its fascinating when you realize what really can bond two people who have no reason to have a bond in the first place. Its almost always anger, hatred, prejudice, jealousy....something along those lines....

so... I sit here today and wonder what it is I've exactly done to the world to make almost everyone I encounter all day so full of bitterness and misunderstanding towards me. I guess I have to concede at this point it HAS to be me.... everyone I know can't be wrong about me.... I must have done something, or my personality is somehow just off.... and I will spend the rest of my life a pretty lonely person. I thought I had come to terms with that before, then something seems to get a little better for a while.... then I slip back down... and find myself if the same damn spot. And I'm sick of that spot. I'm tired of being sick to my stomach and planning the next stage of my life in another state with all new people... I'm in a constant state of readiness and impending departure that I don't even know why I have any possessions anymore. Its not what I want, but I sure as hell don't want to feel like this all the time.

Maybe I'm just frustrated, and tired of getting caught so off guard by people I thought I knew and trusted that I'm sick of even thinking about it. I realized today that I have about 5 real friends, and one is a cat and one is my mother. And the irony of the others is that they have no idea how significantly their relationship and interactions with me effect my every day life and moods. But again, maybe its just too much work for them to be what I need them to be..... so who is the bad guy.... I'd have to say me for impossible expectations.

I don't even know how to close this rant..... it probably isn't worthy of any sort of structure or evocative ending of any sort. so I'll just stop.

-Cyn