I wish I was as smart as I thought I was…….

Its’ funny when you learn things about yourself, and the nature of how your mind works. It doesn’t seem like something you can control, although you certainly have the power to. It’s almost an unconscious power that you have to force yourself to be aware of in order to exercise it. I wish I could harness that, without having to think so intensely about it.

Point being……. How does a person get to that total control over thought and emotion? I know people like that…. And it floors me. There are times when I don’t feel like I have a choice in how I am feeling, but I do. It’s that very thin line that exists when you are angry… and what comes out of our mouths but “you MADE me mad!”… No…. they didn’t. You made the choice to be mad in reaction to what has just occurred. No one can make you anything…. It’s all a choice you are making whether you realize it or not.

So how do we get a handle on that? Anyone I have ever asked that does seem capable of it always shrugs their shoulders and has no idea what I’m talking about… which leads me to think they really don’t realize it, and that its simply that they don’t care enough, about anything, to have any sort of reaction at all. To have a reaction to something… anything… you have go give a rat’s ass, right? Otherwise, you simply ignore it. So second part of the question is can you train yourself to NOT care? I’ve seen people do that as well…. usually some life altering tragedy aided the process, but nevertheless, they just stopped caring about most anything. I’m jealous of that at times.

I need to think about this some more… and figure out what my goal question is to figure out. I just know that for now…. I’m getting in my own way a lot of the time, and life takes turns that I find myself not knowing how to react to, or handle. I am ok with not know how to handle it….that’s a simple part of growing, and learning, we never stop doing that and I hope to never get to a point where I think I know how to handle everything, that means I’ve stopped evolving and that would be sad. It’s not knowing how to react that scares me… because that means something in me isn’t functioning on a true level, its holding back, or dying, or being subdued by my brain… and that’s no way to live. Constant internal conflict is a soul’s time bomb….. and I need to get rid of mine.

Love to all of you,
Cyn