Do the Crossroads ever end?

That is the question bothering me today..... does life ever calm down? Do things ever continue just as they are, and as you expect them to? I used to look forward to the twists and turns.... it was a source of excitement and an exhilarating reminder that life is so very unpredictable and fragile.... but for some reason I feel differently now. The twists and turns have left me panic stricken and depressed. I guess its because if it all blew up, I had nothing to lose before. So be it..... drag myself out of the ruble and carry on..... but now things seem different, I feel weighted down and responsible for things and I am no longer just a "me" but a "we" and life that way is so much more complex.

So what to do......

It is the road less traveled that has always fascinated me, and inspired me even if I did not take it. the very thought of it would provoke new ideas and new actions and new adventures within my own world. Even if I didn't venture out to a new continent or occupation as I would like to. And in this process of aging and life changing, I realize I am a bit of a control freak.......and its funny because courage only counts when you are unsure of the outcome..... that's bravery, the unknown circumstance being irrelevant to the action you take. I think it was Winston Churchill who said "True courage is the journey from failure to failure with out losing your enthusiasm." I really like that. It resonates well when you fall on your face a second time in the same situation. I seem to be doing that more often.

I also am starting to wonder..... have I just been going about this life all wrong? ... if that makes any sense... Have I caught up to my depth and my thinking. A friend describes me as a critical thinker.... all the time... always analyzing and evaluating and debating.... and taking things so much deeper than most. She admires it, but I think its one of my greatest flaws. It makes my life harder than someone who operates on the surface and has that "take it as it is" outlook. So I find myself lonely in my thinking, and lonely in my life... not connecting at the same levels and trying to understand those that don't think like I do. So..... was I simply ahead of myself before, and now I'm current? My mom calls me an old soul, saying that sometimes its like I have lived 100 years in my heart and mind in the way I see life.... and I feel like I have, and I feel like I'm done now.

There are very few things that get me through my days, and it seems as those things grow fewer in number as I get older. So maybe I need to create replacements, or is it just time to pick it up and try life elsewhere again.... maybe its my surroundings and the longing to be somewhere else that generates that general malaise and discontent I feel. Maybe its just still too cold and its the middle of May.

I wish I knew the answer, or at least the direction.....

So, in my sense of empty hopelessness that I am struggling with today, the comfort I feel comes from the same place it always comes from...... in the words of Mr Jimmy Buffett......
"breathe in, breathe out, move on........"