I don't know what this post is..... I'm sad, angry, clueless, old, frustrated, busy, and fat....... all at the same time and I'm not happy about it.

I wish there existed an optional lobotomy of sorts, where you can erase things you know. My head is filled with information I don't want to have anymore. I need my own eternal sunshine of the spotless mind (if you haven't seen it, rent it, it will change the way you feel about your memory). That's my problem, I never forget anything, and I have seen, heard, stumbled upon things I don't care to ever think of again.

I'm suspicious of all things human right now. You can't trust anyone, they all have their own personal agendas, and motivations, and they have the nerve to twist their deceit into something that makes sense to them. Accountability and honesty are very rare commodities in people these days. It makes me try to go through my day without talking to anyone. I'm so glad I have my cat.... she may look at me and growl and hiss and dig her claws into my forehead when I piss her off, but at least I know exactly where I stand with her at all times. People make you guess, and I tend to guess wrong.

Tis the season to be merry..... but no one seems to remember why. We all struggle over how we can't afford christmas gifts, or you don't know what to get someone, or the traveling and the weather.... but Happy Holidays!!! It's the season of the bipolar.... one minute your throwing back the eggnog and laughing with coworkers you were bad-mouthing wednesday, and the next you're crying that all the playstation 3's are gone and that's all your boyfriend really wanted so now what do you do? I can't take the roller coaster, it makes me dizzy.

Life is fast, and unmerciful, and confusing. There are moments when I don't think I have the emotional fortitude to do life. And I wonder why and how I seem to be the only person on this planet that ever feels that way....... but maybe I'm just the only one that ever says it out loud.

For those of you that worry when my writing turns dark, please don't. If this never happened here..... then be worried. If it doesn't come out, it stays in, and I would someday explode RPG style on the poor Dunkin Donuts staff member for not giving me enough sugar. No one wants to see that. So please, stuff your worries in a sack and don't waste them on me......I'm fine. I'm stronger than most people can possibly fathom, you can't and won't break me. I can be sad, angry, clueless, old, frustrated, busy, and fat all at once and still be fine......and if you really know me, that's what makes me beautiful.... right Mom?

In the words of LL Cool J.......
Peace out G,
-Cyn